While keeping up with the news, Earth Muffins editors have noticed a distinct trend: we have become increasingly unable to come up with headlines more ridiculous than reality. As such, we have decided to start reporting on real news stories.
On March 5th, in a rambling, 84-minute address to 250 of the Republican Party’s top donors at the Four Seasons Hotel in New Orleans, ex-President Donald Trump outlined his strategy for ending the war in Ukraine. He said that the United States should label F-22 fighter planes with the Chinese flag and “bomb the shit out of Russia. And then we say, ‘China did it, we didn’t do it, China did it’ and then they start fighting with each other and we sit back and watch.”
Trump went on to say that Russia never would have invaded Ukraine in the first place if he were still president (as he should be, given that he won the 2020 election) because “nobody has ever been tougher on Russia than me.” He added, “I knew Putin very well. He would not have done it. He would have never done it.”
And, were that not enough, he praised North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, noting that his generals and aides “cowered” when the dictator spoke to them. “Total control,” Trump said of how Kim ran the country, describing generals snapping to attention and standing up on command. “His people were sitting at attention,” he added. “I looked at my people and said I want my people to act like that.”
He also repeated his claim global warming was “a great hoax” that could actually bring a welcome development: more waterfront property.
Trump suggested that he would run again for the presidency in 2024. “We’ve already won two presidential elections. And now I feel obligated that we have to really look strongly at doing it again. … We are looking at it very, very strongly. We have to do it. We have to do it.”