A 21 Year-Old’s Investigative Journal
It’s been two months since my Pfizer booster shot. I can’t stop shivering and shaking in the night, I awake and use the restroom at an astounding rate. I’m becoming self conscious of my actions. What do my roommates think of me? They must hear the toilet flush at an average of 5.4 times per night. It must be the booster shot; this has never been a problem for me. I’ve never been a bedwetter, I have never had night terrors, I have never before awoken in a sweat screaming for my great-uncle.
At an average of 5.4 times per night, I approach my toilet with foreboding hostility. My tiny hands make my tiny weenie look larger than it is in reality, and that makes me feel good, and then sad again. I stand there with what feels like a full bladder, waiting. I wait even longer. My bladder is shy even in the privacy of my own bathroom. What if my roommates are laughing at me through these double dry walls? What if I push too hard and I accidentally poop on my roommate’s shower towel? I must be calm and push on, but not too hard. Aha! A drizzle of highlight yellow urine comes through for about an average of 2.3 seconds, and I’m now done. My bladder is empty. I go back to bed unsatisfied; I need to do something about this.
November 13, 2021:
I have returned from my visit to Boulder Urology. I had the most wonderful consultation with urologist Dr. Robert Plug. Dr. Plug has given me a new, exciting outlook on my quality of life. I will explain how:
First, I explained some of the issues that I had been having for the past couple of months. He looked impatient, as if to say, “Get to the point, already! I want to make you feel better!”
After I’m done boring Dr. Plug with my many complaints, he quickly pulls out his hand-drawn diagram of the male prostate.
He told me many things about the human prostate. Like, for example, the prostate is the production center for human sperm. Also, an enlarged prostate can be the cause of incontinence, nocturia, and many other urinary difficulties.
Second, Dr. Plug starts to wrap latex medical gloves over his unnaturally large fingers. He does so without saying a word, and I’ll admit, I was becoming a little nervous! Suddenly I hear a Pop! Dr. Plug accidentally broke his latex medical gloves, he then searches his office for the XXL size gloves. Once he finds them, he looks at me with sadness in his eyes, “I’m sorry this may be uncomfortable, but I promise it will be quick and easy.” At this point, I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Third, my pants are down to my ankles, I am bending over a chair standing, and I’m trying to suppress an outburst of giggles. As Dr. Plug’s index finger is feeling around my prostate for about 5.2 seconds, I can’t help but feel that every inch of Dr. Plug’s 7.2 inch finger is curing me of all illness, worry, and anxiety surrounding my bladder. He withdraws his finger, and I attempt to put on my pants despite my quivering legs.
Fourth, Dr. Plug tells me nothing is wrong with my prostate; however, he is going to prescribe Phenazopyridine for my urinary problems. As he is explaining how to take the medication responsibly, I cannot hear a word of it. Suddenly, my bladder feels empty. I feel as if I am walking on top of clouds. I feel free of worry, anxiety, and stress at the small cost of extreme anal pain! I accept the medication, although I have already found a natural remedy.
November 16, 2021:
My girlfriend broke up with me today. She says that all I do is talk about my prostate: “Prostate this.
I say whatever, I have found what makes life free of pain everywhere outside of my anus. I don’t need you. All I need is my clean prostate, and I can conquer the world.
“See! I can’t even break up with you without you talking about your prostate! I don’t even know you anymore! I can’t even look at you without you staring back at me, whispering something about the average size of the human anus!”
She’s being dramatic, as I think 2 cm is an awfully small diameter for such an important opening in the human body. A supportive girlfriend should like to hear such pertinent information. A supportive girlfriend should be more than willing to use the tape measure I bought her to measure both of our anus’ diameters. A supportive girlfriend should eat a healthy diet of strictly tomatoes and broccoli to ensure a healthy prostate.
“I don’t have a prostate!” she says, “I’m a woman. I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about! Please don’t call me, text me, or send me any more brochures from the Urology Center! I’m done with you, bye!”
(I apologize for her language, but clearly, something had crawled up her behind, and it wasn’t one of Dr. Plug’s magical fingers.)
So we’re broken up, and honestly, it might be for the best. Like many things in my life these days, the only pain I feel is in my anus. No heartbreak can replace that, and that is a liberating feeling.
November 31, 2022:
I return to Dr. Plug’s office. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been sleeping like a hibernating bear, peeing like a racing horse, and pooping like a bear…that had just been hibernating for months on end. I tell Dr. Plug that I’m feeling better, that I no longer wake up in the night, that I no longer fear the government and their vaccines, that I no longer squint my eyes and hold my weenie to make myself believe that I don’t have a micropenis, that I no longer put Twix candy wrapping paper between my toes before I put on snow boots. I tell him that he has changed my life. He cocks his eyebrow and tilts his head as if to say, “Wow! Look at all the joy I bring to the world…,” and then asks, “So what do you need from me now?”
I have to think hard about my response to this question. I don’t want to tell him all my fears and anxieties in a future where I no longer have a clean, healthy prostate. I don’t want to bore him with all-too-familiar neurosis of a young man. I come clean, “I would like to double check the condition of my prostate for safety of my future.” Dammit, that sounded too rehearsed.
If only Dr. Plug knew that I had rehearsed this exact phrase in the bathroom mirror for 58 minutes and 22 seconds this morning, God I’d be so embarrassed.
“Excuse me?” Dr. Plug says. He looks confused and utterly perplexed, I don’t think he has ever come across a young man who cares as much about their health as myself. I repeat what I said again, this time more smoothly. His facial expression remains unchanged. “Umm, well I suppose I can do another checkup, although I don’t see it as completely necessary. You are a young man; I don’t suspect that there is anything wrong with your prostate.”
I stand grinning ear to ear. Sometimes, it’s nice to hear that somebody other than my missing parents are proud of me. I need to remember this moment.
There I stand bent over the “old finger-in-the-anus” chair (a nickname I’ve given the chair, Dr. Plug tells me not to say this around him ever); but this time I throw my doctor a curveball:
“Hey, Doc…” I say, “How about two fingers this time?”
Behind me, I hear the quiet sobbing of a man so proud he cannot even conjure up the words to express how phenomenal I am. Shortly after, 3.2 seconds to be exact, we are done and I am once more reborn.
December 25, 2021
It is Christmas. Today’s present is from Boulder Urology, it comes in the mail in a yellow envelope entitled “IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ.” I am excited. I am expecting a lifetime supply of free prostate checkups. It makes sense given the number of times I’ve been back to see Dr. Plug since my last journal entry, 23 times to be exact.
I open the letter. Doctor Robert Plug has filed a restraining order against me. I am no longer able to see him, nor am I allowed to visit any Urology Center in state of Colorado.
This is disappointing. For the first time in a long time, something besides my anus is in excruciating pain…my heart.
Over the week of May 29th through June 6th, I will be offering CU students free prostate exams in the basement of the ATLAS building (undisclosed location). You can find me by wandering the bottom floor whispering milk over and over again, soon enough, a door will open and I will be inside waiting for you.
A long time ago, I learned that you do not need a doctor to keep your prostate happy and healthy. I wanted to share my journey with you, the reader, and let you know that you too can enjoy infinite happiness at the small price of significant pain in your rectum!
You, like me, don’t have to worry about the small underwear people that live in all of our clothing drawers! You don’t have to worry about small droplets of water that sit at the bottom of finished plastic water bottles! You don’t have to worry about the rising prices of pure gunpowder on the black market!
Relinquish all the anxiety, stress, and paranoia in your life by tips of my tiny fingertips. You will be glad that you did .
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