AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade.  But they might not stop there.  Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion.

Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence Thomas, to expand on the opinion.  Thomas took things even further in stating that “Science tells us that life begins well before conception.  A human being already exists in the sperm of males and in the ova of females.  Thus, whenever a man ‘spills his seed’ or a woman ‘expels her egg’ a life is lost.”

Citing biblical passages and religious prohibitions, Thomas went on to say that male masturbation was clearly illegal.  “Furthermore,” he wrote, “the Founding Fathers did not mention pleasuring oneself in the Constitution, so men have no right to do it.  Henceforth, any man found to be masturbating or whose semen is found outside his body will be considered to have committed a criminal act.  This includes nocturnal emissions as a result of ‘wet dreams.’

“But the Equal Protection Clause means the Court must also consider that women hold life within them, in unfertilized eggs.  Thus, we find that menstruation is also illegal and must be criminalized.  The law must prevent this blatant loss of life caused by women of a child-bearing age on a monthly basis.”

“The Founding Fathers,” he continued, “were clear about the fact that sexual activity has a sole purpose; namely, the creation of human life.  As a result, we have no choice but to ban the use of any contraceptive devices or chemicals.  And, naturally, since babies cannot be produced by the joining of two men or two women, homosexuality must also be outlawed.”

While many of Thomas’ suggestions did not appear in the final decision handed down by the Court, he did issue a concurring opinion in which he stated that the rationale used in the case should also be used to overturn the right to contraception, same-sex consensual relations and same-sex marriage.

“I hate life itself, and so too must this fair nation,” Thomas concluded.

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