Hot New Spot Giving Out Free Food

Most students at any college enjoy whatever free food they can find on their campus. Pizza, cookies, sandwiches–anything that’s easy to grab off the table and walk away with. Earlier today on campus, sophomore Amy Wriggen thought she was getting free shrimp puffs with no catch.

“I left the free food group chat in the fall semester because honestly I think I’m better at sniffing out deals like this. It’s like gaydar, but for free food.”

We’ve all been there. Some kind of meeting is happening on a patch of grass, and there’s all these people standing around looking vaguely affiliated and it’s clearly not for you…but then you spot the catering table. Soon enough, you’ve snuck as much food as your fat ass could carry right on home. It’s a rite of passage for college students.

“Usually I’ve walked into some kind of club meeting. If I’m quiet enough and quick to grab the food, I’m out before they notice I shouldn’t be there. I just don’t know what went wrong today,” Amy said.

What went wrong is that Amy found herself snatching free food from the table not at a club meeting, but at a memorial service.

“I mean, I saw the guy’s picture and everything, but I figured he was just the founder of whatever event was happening. The photo was in black and white, so I figured it was just super old and I was like, cool, yeah, I love history.”

So did Theo Racheter, a former administrator in the law school. His friends and family had gathered for his beautiful memorial service early that morning on the soccer fields. The service, reportedly, was touching and sentimental until Amy Wriggen made her appearance.

“We had a table set up behind the chairs with some refreshments,” one mourner said. “This girl was lingering at the edge of the field, which wasn’t a problem. But then she started walking forward and hovering by the table. Then, we heard the crunching.”

The crunching was probably the shrimp puffs, which Amy then began stuffing in her backpack so she could enjoy a snack later. However, Amy didn’t stop there. Reports say that she began scooping salmon dip from a large bowl with crackers, at which point she spilled some on her shirt.

“I did yell ‘shit’ in the middle of the video compilation, which I’ll admit was a low point,” Amy said. “But you have to understand that my shirt is light blue. Look, the oil left a stain.”

When Amy was approached by the mourners, who asked how she knew Mr. Racheter, she was stunned to realize what she’d done. She attempted to return the shrimp puffs, but was told that taking her leave would be enough.

“They’re delicious, man. Here, have one. They’ll change your life,” she said, pressing one into my hand even though I’m allergic to shellfish. When I wouldn’t accept the small treat, she shoved it directly into my mouth.

“See? They’re just something else.”

The savory pastry was absolutely superb until my tongue and throat began swelling up, though I’m sure the compliment isn’t much of a comfort to Mr. Racheter’s shocked friends and family who were able to continue their service in peace after Amy was escorted from the fields

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