Boulder, CO – Junior Jake Marine recently made the shocking claim that he’s on 21 girl’s private snapchat stories, shattering Mike Broccoli’s previous record of 9. Regardless, Marine struggles to open up to people, preferring instead to keep his true feelings locked tight and so deep inside him that even he does not know where they are.
“Dude,” said Marine, “I’m on so many girl’s private stories. It’s insane. Check this out, this one’s called Whores Devours. It’s so cool, last night Bailey threw up on the couch, and then about an hour later, she saw A RAT! I mean, how crazy is that?”
Marine, though popular, is only slightly conscious of his tendency to bend to others’ will, preferring to agree rather than start any conflict. This has racked up quite a few invitations to the darker, more twisted side of Boulder’s college girls, but at a grim cost.
“I feel like my face should slide off of me,” said Marine, “and reveal me for who I truly am. Ah, oops! Forget I said that, but if you’re going to print anything, print this: Mike Broccoli can suck my dick. I know he’s out there showing off all of his green circles on instagram or whatever, but I ask you this: is he on The Bussy Enjoyers? Yeah, don’t think so, and no shot he’s on Sydney Takes a Shit. That’s my fucking territory.”
Broccoli did not respond to requests for comment.
Reportedly, every second Marine stares longer into the mirror, the more distorted his reflection seems to become. Seeing Clara kiss King Wook on the cheek in her private story, James Allen White Can Cook Me, fills only a shallow hole.
“It’s amazing the way you can feel so lonely and be on so many girl’s private stories. Utterly alone. With no one to go to. Uh, sike! Today, Bailey posted a picture of her hungover in bed with the caption ‘Jesus could take me now but I’ll probably go to hell.’ You know what I did? Slid up on that thing and said ‘same.’”
He was left on read.
Marine would rather spend his days and nights hiking and making art, but in order to blend into what he views as a party culture, he has vowed to “become the party.”
“Yeah, I mean, taking a night hike up the second flatiron with nothing but a blank canvas, acrylic paint, and a speaker blasting Alex G sounds great,” said Marine. “I mean, sure it sounds like a lovely way to spend an evening and would probably be mellow and soulful, sure, I mean, I guess I would kind of like to do that, but we’re hitting bars tonight. They said we were in the groupchat, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m… I’m hitting bars tonight… I’m hitting bars tonight…”
At press time, Marine currently stands inches from the mirror, completely motionless.