CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

Boulder, CO- A college student was assaulting the police, our delivery workers, and our eyes, on the hill this week. Reports of a naked man near our favorite sweatshop, Starbucks, started coming in mid-day on Tuesday the 23rd. Our new reporter Chasey June ran to the scene to report and get statements from the surrounding witnesses. This is what he found:

“Hi! It’s really crazy out here. Never thought Boulder could have naked people. Aren’t y’all about baked goods here? Naked people sound more like a Utah thing,” said Charles, a freshman environmental studies student. 

The scene started with the suspect laying in the middle of the road. Police arrived and started to get him out of the road when the man jumped at an unexpecting UPS worker.

“I couldn’t believe it! I was standing at the door getting ready to meet the UPS man when he was grabbed from behind and held in a chokehold,” a young store owner said.

The cops tried to subdue the young man, but apparently, this kid was on something, because it took three officers to finally put this kid in the back of their car. But before they did that, something unexpected happened. The man took off his pants.

“Yeah that’s correct, the man had his balls out and everything. It was like a weird porno – especially when they tased him. He kept getting up and up and up and his junk stood at attention the entire time,” said Randy Goon, a longtime Boulder resident.

The police did get the young man in handcuffs, but it wasn’t without a spectacle at the end. What took him down was a taser shot that obliterated the suspect’s balls, that is what took him down. The young man was put into an ambulance with one of his balls still attached, and the other on ice beside him.

Lastly, a statement from one of the officers: “The kid was high off of something. I- um was the one who tased off his testicle. It kind of just fell off. I think it was probably burned a bit, and then plop, it just popped off. It was terrifying, the blood, the sound, everything about it made my stomach flip. I feel horrible, that kid will be going to jail but missing a testicle, it’s real rough.”

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