Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool.
“I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program.
The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened acronym of Pee And You will Go To Hell Where You Belong, You Worthless Creature.
“Also, I mean, technically I’m a student, but let’s just say that I’m a 34 year old Danish man who they may or may not have leased from the Jægerkorpset, because the Danish government may or may not be getting blackmailed by Phil Distefino, after obtaining some videos that may or may not show the Danish Queen doing lines of coke at Sigma Nu in 2014,” said Magnus Van’Løngschløng.
The Jægerkorpset is Denmark’s most elite military unit, showing just how much the Rec Center doesn’t want your disgusting ass to pee in the Buff Pool.
Using state of the art infrared goggles, lifeguards like Van’Løngschløng can see where exactly the piss is and who exactly did the pissing. He will then launch into the pool using the Jægerkorpset’s special spider dive (spread out your limbs as much as you can, cock the elbows and the knees at the attack angle, and consume your target in your grasp upon landing) and drown the living hell out of the perpetrator.
“The best part is when they stop struggling and start begging,” said Van’Løngschløng. “I’ve drowned fourteen people today. It’s ridiculous. People see me viciously force some poor freshmen girl’s head to the concrete under the shallow end and they still decide to pee in the fucking pool.”
Many in the University, especially The Rec Center’s board, fear that the pissing has gone out of control, and soon that the only buffalo shaped pool in the entire world will be as yellow as a real buffalo but with piss all over it.
“This has gone on long enough,” said University Chancellor Phil Distefino, “and I’m going to put an end to it. To the Danes, if you want this to all go away, if you want your anxieties quelled, if you love your dear Queen Margrethe the Second, then this will be your payment. Eliminate entirely those who stain our campus by choosing to pee knowing they are surrounded by thinking, feeling beings such as themselves.”
Reportedly, over 400 people have been drowned by Van’Løngschløng and the rest of the most elite squad in the history of the Royal Danish Army.
“This is pretty much the only war we Danes care about right now,” said Munksgaard Magnusson, another recent lifeguard hire. The fight to kill everyone who pees in the Buff pool has won mind-boggling vast approval in Denmark, with the entire nation angry, enthusiastic, and motivated to destroy their new enemy.
“This is our 9/11,” said Van’Løngschløng.
In the coming weeks, school board administrators and the bursar will determine if killing everyone who pees in the Buff Pool makes financial sense, as every student drowned means less tuition money for the university.
“I love money,” said DiStefino, “and I also love driving drunk, but I especially love killing kids. But I really love money a lot. But I haven’t been able to kill any kids yet. So, this will be a tough decision in the future. But for now, let them drown.”