The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

Last Tuesday, at a party in the Lofts, Jeffery Reginald declared that he was “more based” than everyone else on campus. He was showing a girl his “indie” playlist, full of Car Seat Headrest and Tame Impala, and declaring himself an indie fan and that he was based and loved Mark Fisher. This was the news that shocked the campus. More based than me? Huh? That’s outrageous. I had to get to the bottom of this. I had to get the information on how this man was apparently more based than me.

I met him for an interview last week outside Norlin where he claimed he was reading Crime and Punishment (that prick,I bet he doesn’t even understand Dosteye-whatever the-fuck-his-name-is books). I had to get to the bottom of why he was making such an outrageous claim.

Tom: Thanks for sitting down with me today, I know it must’ve been tough with all the pussy you’ve been getting you cosplaying fuck.

Reginald: Huh? What are you-

Tom: Shut the fuck up. No one cares how “based” you are. I’m way more fucking based than you. I bet you only listen to fake indie artists, huh? “Tame Impala”? “Car Seat Headrest”? Fuck you. I’m way more indie than that. I like Death Grips and Neutral Milk Hotel. I only listen to real indie artists. Have you ever heard of this little underground group called The Smiths? Huh? A little old-school knowledge for you, you stupid fucking zoomer. I’m not even a part of this generation, I transcend it.

Reginald: Who are you? I thought you were interviewing me for a project, how do you even know who I am-

Tom: I’m so indie, I’m even independent of women now. That’s what listening to Ecco2k taught me. I’m only attracted to myself now. I’m so indie I’m even independent of my parents and friends, after I told them what fucking normies they are. You get it? Huh? You starting to get it, you little prick? I’m more based and indie than everyone on Earth.

Reginald: Wait a minute, are you the guy who we found spying on us at our party last week? What the fuck? We found like eight cameras in the bathroo-

Tom: I’m the most fucking based person on Earth. I fucking love Noam Cumsky or whatever his name is. I love when consent is manufactured. Do you know why? Cause I’m a good, sympathetic person. I care about people, that’s what being indie is all about. But you? You’re just a no good prick who doesn’t care about anything, a monster devoid of any human feeling that chews up and spits people out. You’re despicable.

Reginald: I’m calling the cops, you’re fucking insane-

Tom: I bet you even had a good childhood you fucking freak. That’s what makes you based and indie, when your dad comes home late at night, and slaps you around after gambling and drinking with his friends. Calls you gay and pantses you in front of your crush at your graduation. But, it’s not like I care about that stuff anyway. I love my daddy and he loves me too. Last week he sent me a restraining order because he can’t physically contain his love for me and hasn’t come within 200ft of a school zone, so he doesn’t get arrested. No, you wouldn’t get any of this you self absorbed piece of shit. Here you are ranting and raving about how based and indie you are, while people have actual problems here, I-

Reginald: Are you crying? Are you okay-

Tom: I will fucking kill you. You fake indie, fake-based piece of human garbage. I bet you don’t even rate the albums you listen to, huh? Y’know what, before I stab you in the fucking heart, I’ll let you listen to what a real-based and indiepilled person rates their favorite albums. The Money Store: 10. To Pimp a Butterfly: 10. Kids See Ghosts 10-

Reginald: Are those Anthony Fantano’s rating-

At this point the interview was terminated due Tom Hansen brutally assaulting Jeffery Reginald. We at Earth Muffins apologize for our poor judgment in our staffing choices. We hope that if Jeff gets out of critical condition he learns how to be a more based and indiepilled person.

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