ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup

Mayhem erupted the past week as CU chancellor Phil Distefano has adopted a chaotic new persona: The Homelander. After watching the new season of The Boys, Distefano was a changed man, anonymous sources from the administrator’s office say. After viewing the season, he locked himself in his office, requesting frequent milk deliveries and different fabrics to eventually create his own Homelander costume. According to those same sources, he could be heard muttering over and over again, “He’s literally me forreal. He’s me forreal.” When his office was eventually inspected, there were pictures of Homelander all around his office, and cartons of milk littered the floor.

Last week, he ventured out of his office, and that’s when the mayhem began. He formed his “high command,” dawning uniforms with Buffaloes as emblems and ventured out onto Farrand Field. There he gave an erratic speech where is quoted as saying, “All of you lowlife students cannot compare to me, the Homlander! From now on you will all listen to me, and me alone. Not those pieces of shit on the board, or that cuck of a president. ME! Homelander! You should All worship me!”

From there he stated some policy changes that Distefano claims will go into effect immediately.

Distefano: “Next time ANYONE brings up some stupid shit like, ‘Why didn’t you alert us when a mass shooting was taking place?’ or ‘Why didn’t you report that coach who was abusing his wife’ you will be shot, you lowlife maggot infested losers. Do I make myself clear?”

From there the impromptu speech on Farrand field turned into a riot. Students who started throwing items at Distefano soon found themselves beaten and bloodied by Distefano’s new high command, the White Buffaloes. Distefano even joined in and started beating students with his personal minions. Throughout this event, he is quoted as saying repeatedly, “I can do whatever the fuck I want, I’m THE Homelander!”

CU was in a lockdown panic for the next week, newspapers censored, members of the board arrested, and the CU President missing. Distefano was truly in charge, and ran campus like a dictator. Students were forced indoors at all times, public meetings were banned, and all CU curriculums were replaced with Homelander friendly teachings.

This all came to an end when Distefano was eventually arrested for a DUI on his way back to campus, from the Academy Boulder nursing home on the hill.

At the local nursing home, eyewitness testimony reports that he threatened and pleaded with the elderly women living there for their breastmilk, going as far as to attempt to break into one of the apartments, prompting someone to call the police.

Distefano tried to make a getaway but was eventually caught and pulled over with a BAC of .18. At his arrest, he reportedly yelled, “I’m THE HOMELANDER, I can do whatever the fuck I want! I love drinking and driving, that’s what HOMELANDER does!”

Distefano’s reign of terror finally ended with his arrest. CU administration says that it will take no action in removing Distefano, despite students protesting for his termination. The administration is quoted as saying, “Shut the fuck up, this isn’t even top ten worst things he’s done. Go back to partying, you degenerates.”

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