Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try.

The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there to spend hours soaking in the professional experience. Unfortunately, no matter how hard this crack team tries to be original, they keep thinking of Snag, the best delivery service at making something that should cost 5 dollars be 9 dollars.

“Okay,” said Jennifer Lawrence, “So college kids get hungry, right? Well, what if we make their favorite snacks, you know, BBQ Pringles, lunchables, ramen, what if they can get them delivered in under ten – goddamnit.”

The room groaned, and feverishly erased their whiteboard labeled “ideas.”

The think tank– established to generate ideas to tap into the student population’s deep pockets– hit another wall. Jerry Johnson, hoping to earn a masters in finance, seemed confused with the struggles.

“That’s fucking Jennifer Lawrence, first of all. Have you seen Mother!? No? Well, her baby’s head gets snapped in half in that movie. No wonder she’s here. I would not be vibing with that at all. She’s a great actor, but terrible in the tank.”

After Lawrence’s pitch, Sally Omega sprung up in her seat, red marker in hand, and dashed to the whiteboard. There, she drew a crude map of the hill and various arrows pointing every which way.

“Guys!” Sally said, “Let’s think outside the box here. College kids don’t want what they need, they want what they want. It’s simple, really. We create a delivery service that’s located on the hill, hire some of the poorer college kids to do our bidding, give them electric bikes, and we make an app. What’s on the app? Well, everything a college student could want! Zyn, vapes, ping-pong balls, and even – get this – condoms.”

Carl Spreadsheet perked his head up in giddy excitement.

“Genius! Keep it only in the neighborhood, and have a stylish, gen-z social media presence. From hangover cures to condoms, we got it all!” Carl said. An undergrad, not worth naming, raised his timid little hand.

“Uh, I think that’s Snag.”

Carl Spreadsheet lunged across the table, wrapped his meaty, old hands around that poor undergrad’s neck, and squeezed. The think tank, too in shock over thinking of Snag yet again, did nothing. Soon, the undergrad’s head lay limp on the table.

“What if we make it easier for high, broke students to get essentials without having to leave their house? We could easily edge doordash out of – fuck me to hell,” Jennifer Lawrence said.

At press time, Carl Spreadsheet was last seen driving west on I-70, and if you have any tips on his whereabouts, call (877) 404-7668.

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