As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?
Three old bodies have been found in the Norlin quad by the construction workers, the bones appear to be broken and gnawed on. The police are stumped, students are mad that construction is taking so long, and the staff of CU is very concerned. The staff has known about unreported disappearances for years, they were always nutrition students so no one really knew they existed. … Continue reading The Ralphie Ritual
Hi! You might recognize me as the other person who hangs around your house, uses the stove, takes up half the fridge? If none of those ring a bell…I’m the person who takes care of your dog. Usually you just kind of throw his leash towards my bedroom door, but sometimes you extend the courtesy of a text: hey, sorry it’s last minute, but i’m … Continue reading To My Negligent Roommate,
After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed too, as he couldn’t decide which quarterback he wanted to … Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh
Ah, November. Midterms are looming, wildfire smoke is in the air, and the Buffs are putting their hearts into losing every game we play. What else is a CU student to do but drink? And drink. And drink some more. So, it’s understandable if someone shows up hungover to class. Maybe you see them wearing shades in the basement of Munzinger, or maybe they’re crawling … Continue reading I Know A Spot (To Pull Trig)
There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall
After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING … Continue reading CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus