After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING to eat, and the freshman, arguably the largest population protesting, who want a place on campus open 24/7 where they can get pancakes, especially when they are wasted. 

The protests have gotten a lot of attention from us and the staff of CU as well. We were able to approach Todd Saliman to get his statement.

“Those kids are only worried about being drunk and eating when really they should be letting their health go and studying. It’s pathetic, if they really wanted an IHop they’d pay for it themselves. I have no plan to give in to these petty protests, IHop is off the table.”

Unfortunately, before this article was published, Todd’s statement was leaked. The students didn’t react well. Our most persistent reporter, Chasey June, was on the case to get all the perspectives of the student protesters.

After many days of following these protesters around and even participating a bit, Chasey got their first real statement. A junior, Hanna Green, “I really like pancakes and I’m almost at the end of my string, so pancakes wouldn’t cure my depression but It would help a fucking lot. I’m drowning,” she smiled wide throughout the entire statement, but her eyes screamed for help.

After egging Duane Physics the students headed for Norlin. They pulled out partitions for students to sign, and by the end of the day, they had 400 signatures.

“I had a 2:00 am IHop run with my friends, and half of us were, uh… not okay, if you know what I mean. We walked for so long that my feet hurt, they have so much food on campus why not have some more that’s open at reasonable hours?” The sophomore told our reporter Chasey as the freshman took the stage screaming.

 “IHOP! IHOP! IHOP! WE WANT IHOP!” The desperate freshmen continued to protest.

Chasey followed the protesters to Todd’s house. The students brought skillets, tubs of pancake mix, and syrup. They made hundreds of pancakes and started covering Todd Saliman’s driveway, sidewalk, and house. It was a goddamn sticky mess and it only got worse when his car came rolling up the street. You’d think the students would bolt but no, they stood their ground staring at Todd as he rolled his car through syrup and pancakes. Todd looked like he was going to burst in anger but before he could get out of his car a student rounded a corner with a crane carrying a vat of maple syrup and the student was split all over his car. All the students started to chant.

“IHOP ‘TILL WE DROP! IHOP WE WON’T STOP! IHOP! IHOP!”

That’s when sirens could be heard approaching the scene. The students tried to run but they were also slowed by the massive amount of syrup around them. They were all caught and spent a few nights in jail for property damage.

A word from the editor:

Chasey, our reporter, was caught in the crossfire and was arrested along with the protesters. At this moment and time, we have no additional information on the incident or if Todd Saliman changed his mind about the IHop situation.