Ah, November. Midterms are looming, wildfire smoke is in the air, and the Buffs are putting their hearts into losing every game we play. What else is a CU student to do but drink? And drink. And drink some more.
So, it’s understandable if someone shows up hungover to class. Maybe you see them wearing shades in the basement of Munzinger, or maybe they’re crawling up the stairs at Koelbl with a green undertone. Either way, now you’ll be able to go up to your sweet, suffering classmate, kneel gently next to their sweaty body and whisper into their ear that you know a spot (to pull trig).
These hallowed tiles have seen more than you could possibly know. After you abandon your backpack and personal belongings to the auditorium, run down the stairs and into the basement hallway. There’s no need to look back and see if your classmates noticed your sudden departure–they did. But it doesn’t matter. Once you’re in the cool embrace of those hundred year old toilets, the world outside will seem to melt away.
On the other hand, maybe sunshine and nature will do you some good. Lay down, feel your back on the grass. Listen to the raging honks of the meanest geese on campus as they swim in circles around their bright green, spew-coated, snot skimmed water. In comparison, anything and everyone looks like they’ve sprung from the fountain of youth.
Maybe you aren’t looking for the fountain of youth, though. Maybe last night, about five shots of Tito’s in, you brushed with death and you’re ready to admit that. You need to be in an environment where the veil is thin, where spirits roam the halls, the spookiest-ass place on campus. Well, good news for you is that the Carlson Gymnasium still stands to this day and this baby is sure to be chock-full of ghosts. Just walk upstairs to the abandoned classrooms and write your death wish on the blackboard: it might be granted.
Or maybe fleeing the auditorium full of your classmates was not enough attention for you? You are the drama, and you aren’t going to let this opportunity pass you by. In your artful hands, languishing is an Olympic sport, and so it should be done where it can be appreciated. The Norlin fountain has visibility to thousands of students and the added theatrics of the water fountain can’t be overstated. Imagine stripping off all your clothes, slapping your bare skin onto the hot stone, and letting the water wash over you while you purge. Majestic.
Alternatively, if death truly seems nigh and you do not wish to go gentle into that good night, Wardenburg has doctors who probably won’t let your sorry ass die on the property.