The Ralphie Ritual

Three old bodies have been found in the Norlin quad by the construction workers, the bones appear to be broken and gnawed on. The police are stumped, students are mad that construction is taking so long, and the staff of CU is very concerned. The staff has known about unreported disappearances for years, they were always nutrition students so no one really knew they existed. Now that they’re bodies the police are now involved but their trail is cold, they are trying to blame the hill bear but thanks to reporter Chasey June we found the truth of these deaths.

It was a fresh autumn day and Chasey approached the place where all the clues lead them, Ralphie’s ranch. They made their way around the side of the barn inside they heard a commotion. Leaning closer to the window, Chasey saw a horrid sight.

The Ralphie runners, cowboy hats, and all were circling a pen chanting while Ralphie munched on a student. Chasey didn’t know for sure but their guess was that that student was a nutrition student. They must taste good or be Ralphie’s favorite snack because when she finished, blood-caking her fur, the runners cheered. Chasey stepped back in fear of the show but they didn’t see the bucket behind them. Through the window, all the runners froze, all quickly snapping their heads towards the window and the loud clang that occurred.

“Shit-” Chasey said as they turned to run.

They could barely hear what one of the runners said next but Chasey caught, “Let Ralphie run,” and then the loud sound of hooves rushing towards Chasey. Chasey sent a quick message including the link to all of their findings to Earth Muffins before looking up to see that Ralphie had circled them and was now blocking their exit.

“Uh, g-good girl. I-I’m not a nutrition student, I don’t taste good at all. Like hot Cheetos and Redbull, I’m like toxic waste you don’t want that do ya?”

Ralphie didn’t move just stared, as Chasey started to back away, Ralphie charged.

We won the next Football game. Other reporters have tried to further investigate the disappearance of Chasey and how this ritual affects the outcome of the football games. No additional information has been found. Chasey is presumed dead, we at Earth Muffins hope this is not true but all the facts point to this conclusion. Students stay safe and away from Ralphie, apparently you taste good.

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