Hi! You might recognize me as the other person who hangs around your house, uses the stove, takes up half the fridge? If none of those ring a bell…I’m the person who takes care of your dog. Usually you just kind of throw his leash towards my bedroom door, but sometimes you extend the courtesy of a text: hey, sorry it’s last minute, but i’m leaving for the summer and could you take care of him pleeeeeeeeese? With the little begging face, it was classic.

Unfortunately, I have to put my foot (and the dog) down.

Remember last year, when you came home with a surprise puppy in your arms, swearing that you would take care of it? I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really did. For a few months, you gave that sweet puppy all of the attention you could with one hand. You agreed to watch Tik Tok outside so that puppy could pee! It was very generous and moving. But then you sort of fell off.

I understand. It’s hard to be a dog owner! There is no way that you could have predicted a living, breathing, feeling animal would require like, actual time and attention. Fuck! It’s so unfair! A moderately anxious, overachieving, mirrorball-girlboss with daddy’s credit card can only do her best!

That’s why it’s time to put the dog down.