Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to worry, as here we have three ani-confrontational methods of preventing your roommate from fucking someone you do or don’t know while you are in the room.

1. Denial

There is no more effective way to avoid both the confrontation of asking your roommate not to fuck someone while you are there, and the trauma that arises from audibly hearing them ride their partner. The solution is the simple gaslighting of oneself into questioning whether or not you slept the night before: maybe you had gone to sleep, and it was all a very disturbing dream– or maybe both your roommate and their partner have a debilitating breathing problem, and you were the asshole who let them suffer without calling for help. This tactic is all the more effective when your roommate is kind enough to contribute in questioning your sanity– preferably with a pitying or confused glance and the classic “are you ok?” 

2. The Watcher

If you have no sense of self embarrassment or care of how others may perceive you as certifiably insane, this tactic was just made for you. The trick to being the watcher is to be completely silent and utterly still; the best results occur when you sit criss crossed on your bed and stare down over your unsuspecting roommate and their partner– smiling and unblinking of course for maximum effect. Your roommate should only be able to see the faint outline of your silhouette in the darkness– preferably the side of your face would be dimly illuminated by the moon through the window so your roommate can see your winning stare and grin. This is an excellent deterrent as most roommates are strangely uncomfortable with your presence in a way they wouldn’t have been had you been pretending to sleep. Sometimes this may not be enough to deter your roommate as they may rudely ask you to stop; this is where the anti-social brain comes in handy as you then respond with “oh no, its ok, I don’t mind,” and continue smiling. Unless your roommate is a total freak, this tactic should work perfectly in preventing them from ever fucking in your presence again.

3. The Participant

Why would you want to deter your roommate from having sex in your room? You love a good threesome– it’s much better than just watching anyway. This highly popular tactic has the potential to deter your roommate from fucking in your room or give you an amazing night of pleasure, depending on your aim. Either way is an honest win for you.

For therapy specialising self-gaslighting please call this number toll free: 

Dr. Mike Pence 

For therapy specialising in psychopathic tendencies call this number toll free:

 Dr. Lauren Boebert

For group therapy specialising in polyamorous relationships call this number toll free:

Dr. Hilary Rhodem Clinton

Earthmuffins is not responsible for the self- creation of psychologically damaging tendencies. Earthmuffins does not condone self-gaslighting or gaslighting by roommates. Earthmuffins does not have a problem with polyamorous  relationships– we are certain that they always work out fine.. Earthmuffins does not condone making fun of psychopaths. Earthmuffins does not condone the murdering of Earthmuffins employees by offended psychopaths. Earthmuffins does not condone most forms of homicide. Earthmuffins is not responsible if you choke to death on a hot dog. Earthmuffins is not responsible for natural selection. Earthmufins is not responsible for an icy roommate after one of the aforementioned tactics is utilised. Earthmufins is not responsible for a terrified roommate after one of the aforementioned tactics is utilised. Earthmuffins is not responsible for legal or financial compensation if your roommate calls the police after one of the aforementioned tactics is utilised. Earthmuffins is not responsible for the drinking of an entire bottle of vodka when your polyamorous relationship doesn’t work out. Earthmuffins is not responsible for the drinking of an entire bottle of vodka when your polyamorous relationship does work out. Earthmuffins does not condone making fun of polyamorous relationships. Earthmuffins is a real news organization and everything that is published, printed, or stated  by Earthmufins or an Earthmufins representative is 100% fact.

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