BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron.
Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten classes in order to maximize his college experience.
“Give me a break. I’m an aerospace engineering major, and I’m popular with a whole bunch of friends. You think I would take seven years if I were in finance?” Barron said, saliva gurgling from his mouth.
Barron makes sure his crown as the most popular aerospace engineer holds tight on his receding hairline by completely immersing himself in his fraternity, even though he’s at least three years older than anyone else there.
The 26 year old said in a statement Tuesday that after the announcement of Coach Prime’s hiring, he would forgo passing all of his classes and moving on into adulthood so he can monitor Boulder’s enjoyment of the star head coach once Ralphie runs again this fall.
“Listen, buddy. I’m the director of morale around here. If I feel Boulder slipping, if I sniff that barstool buff’s content starts sucking, if there’s any inkling of banal surrender to the inevitable passage of time, I’m gonna hype this town the fuck up. It ain’t Boulder if Mike ain’t there!”
At press time, Barron is going to his new best friend’s 21st birthday party.