CIRES Directors Declare Global Warming a “Crock of Shit”

CIRES, the Cooperative Institute for Research in Environmental Sciences at the University of Colorado Boulder, was founded in 1967 and, according to Earth Muffins’ science reporter (in other words, ChatGPT) it “is a leading research institute dedicated to advancing our understanding of the environment and developing solutions to environmental challenges facing society.”  For decades, researchers at the Institute have been studying climate change and concluding that human activity, such as the burning of fossil fuels, has caused the “greenhouse effect,” raising temperatures on earth. This weekend, in a surprising turn of events, CIRES leadership declared that it has been dreadfully wrong, and that global warming is a “crock of shit.”

On Saturday, in a news conference held in front of a packed house in the auditorium of the CIRES building on main campus, Director Waleed Abdalati (Professor of Geography) surprised the audience, letting them know that decades of research are being “thrown out the window.  We cannot continue to perpetuate this myth.”  Associate Director Margaret A. Tolbert (Professor of Chemistry) explained the reason for the abrupt change.  “Did you see the photos and videos of the blizzard in Southern California earlier this week?  And what about the single digit and below zero temperatures here in Boulder.  We were freezing our butts off.”

Heavy snow, ice, and strong winds in and around Los Angeles made roads impassable and brought down power lines.  Abdalati added, “How do you explain a ‘generational’ winter storm in the land of sunshine and warm temperatures?  Even a few days ago, we would have considered this an impossibility.”  Tolbert focused on the impact in Colorado where the storm left a layer of ice on the roads, which was then covered by snow.  “CDOT reported that road conditions were ‘treacherous.’  I went out to my driveway and fell flat on my ass.”

Numerous protests were raised by the typical tree-hugging, granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing Boulder audience.  They questioned how the years-long consensus of the scientific community could be tossed out as the result of a single winter storm.  Abdalati and Tolbert were quick to respond, saying in unison, “Listen, assholes, we’re the scientists.”  At a meeting of hundreds of CIRES scientists on Sunday, they voted unanimously to stop their climate research and focus on important matters like proving the Earth is flat and providing evidence that the world was created in six days, just a few thousand years ago.

The reaction from ex-President Donald Trump was quick and emphatic.  “I told you all years ago that it was a hoax.  The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.  Look at what has happened since I left office.  The left wing, commie Democrats led by Crooked Joe have started their ‘green revolution,’ trying to put the coal mine operators and oil companies out of business.  Fox News called the weather this week ‘the great freeze’ and still Biden is spending billions on renewable energy and electric cars.  We’ll see how he likes it when he’s the one who’s out in the cold.  Besides, as everyone knows I won the 2020 election and I’ll win again in 2024!”

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