Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh

After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed too, as he couldn’t decide which quarterback he wanted to … Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh

The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING … Continue reading CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

…And the Marching Band Refused to Yield

Last Saturday, hundreds of students were jared from their peaceful though slightly hungover sleep by the CU marching band’s thundering drums of protest. Their trumpets and trombones gleamed with the glory of revolution, and in their eyes there were tears of overwhelming pride in their movement. The Golden Buffalo marching band, an ensemble of woodwinds, brasses, and snares, is usually dedicated in its attempts at … Continue reading …And the Marching Band Refused to Yield

Truth is Stranger than Earth Muffins: When is a Fetus a Human Being?

On June 29th, Brandy Bottone, a pregnant Texas woman was pulled over by a Dallas County sheriff’s deputy for driving in an HOV (high-occupancy vehicle) lane.  When asked where her other passenger was, she pointed to her belly (she was 34 weeks pregnant).  Ms. Bottone claimed that, in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, her unborn baby qualified as … Continue reading Truth is Stranger than Earth Muffins: When is a Fetus a Human Being?

Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try. The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there … Continue reading Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again