On the first day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me a right to open carry. On the second day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 2 red “Let’s Go Brandon” dresses. On the third day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 3 unused COVID vaccines. On the fourth day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 4 Qanon tees. On the fifth … Continue reading Lauren Boebert’s Twelve Days of Christmas
Turning 21 is a big milestone in anyone’s life, whether you’re a burgeoning alcoholic or not, but it can be stressful wondering how to make the most of your big night. This guide will hopefully remove some of the worry from your birthday, so you can focus on the important things, like getting hammered. First, let’s cover some health and safety basics to make sure … Continue reading A Guide to Turning 21 in Boulder
Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance: BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to … Continue reading An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field
When Steven Spielberg was hired to direct the remake of West Side Story, he insisted on bringing the movie up to date. He felt that, in post-racist 2021 America, the plot of a white gang vs. a Puerto Rican gang in 1950s NYC would no longer capture audience interest. So, to make it relevant, he insisted that writers focus on the rivalry between Pfizer and … Continue reading Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks
As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents. Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another … Continue reading CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament
In a controversial move, the CU Boulder administration chose to further isolate engineering students by forcing them all to live in the auxiliary dorms, known as Will Vill. Engineering students are currently only somewhat isolated on campus—with their own classes, and in the case of that scary place known as Andrews, their own dorms. Now, pursuant to Mark Kennedy’s beyond-the-presidency master plan, engineering students will … Continue reading CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers
Ready to brutally murder each other, two students, Sally Omega and Joan Powers told each other it’s ok and that they can go after talking at the same time in class. When Professor Beauxregaurde asked about what horror meant as a genre in his 3000 level creative writing class, Omega and Powers perked their heads up, and before it was too late, both began to … Continue reading Two Students Who Tried to Answer a Question at the Same Time Really Fucking Hate Each Other
You escape MATH 100 at 9 pm. Drunk with power after getting a solid C on acing the test, you’re eager to get ready. It’s Hallow’s Eve and Brandon Beans (AKA Beantown AKA the star freaking quarterback of the football team) is throwing a rager and you’re invited! Hurry! The costume contest starts at 10 and your sexy Garfield is sure to win, especially since … Continue reading A Frightful Night
It’s a beautiful, brisk fall day on your college campus: the sun is shining, but there’s a pleasant chill in the air that reminds you that winter is coming soon. It’s not here yet, though, and the leaves are a magnificent gold as you make your way across campus. You’re not going to class, not right now. Nature is calling, and it’s time to find … Continue reading Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen
In a remarkable show of honesty and forthrightness, never before seen from the asswipe Senator from West Virginia, Joe Manchin made clear for the first time why he sabotaged President Biden’s and the Democratic Party’s clean energy bill. “I’ve been telling you that I am all about protecting the economy and workers of my state, but you all know that’s a load of crap. I’m … Continue reading Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”
Earth Muffins 