Author: earthmuffinscu

Op-Ed

I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

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Breaking News

Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere

Fully against their will, millions of people around the world have been exposed to the torrid love affair between actor Megan Fox, and musician Machine Gun Kelly. Their relationship has been drifting in and out of the public eye for months, but recently grabbed the full attention of the internet following a profile in British GQ. In addition to anecdotes about building pillow forts, and … Continue reading Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere

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On Campus

Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud of this award here at Leeds. As a top-twenty business … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

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Breaking News

Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome

@NICKIMINAJ My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied 3:44 PM · Sep 13, 2021·Twitter for iPhone Rapper Nicki Minaj was widely criticized … Continue reading Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome

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Op-Ed

Ode to Mark

The tides have turned away from you, O Chief,  emblem of our home!  Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece,  go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, Sucker and Fucker, rapacious Vanilla King! Are you off to … Continue reading Ode to Mark

earthmuffinscu
Politics

Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan.  “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs.  Did you really think I wanted another kid when I was 60 years old?  … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

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On Campus

Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad.  “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone with the professor and the other weirdos who show up … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

earthmuffinscu
On Campus

Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus

Mark Kennedy sent out a notice to the CU students and staff this afternoon regarding the “white boy summer” trend started by Chet Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), apparently endorsing the trend and implementing the rules. You can read the full statement here: Hello students and members of the Boulder Community. I come to you after some deep consideration with a very important announcement for … Continue reading Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus

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Politics

The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state.  History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain death, he recanted. “Didst thou not see the smiley face … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

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