YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years

BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron. Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten classes in order to maximize his college experience. “Give me … Continue reading YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years

How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room

Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to worry, as here we have three ani-confrontational methods of preventing … Continue reading How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room

The World is Too Much With Us

Ladies and gentlemen, as a renowned reporter of this great new century, it is my regret to inform the good citizens of the University of Colorado that as we continue our pleasant existences of studying, partying, exams, vomiting, and ill-fated lunch dates, our contentment is only a result of blind ignorance of the true nature of the state of our world– a new, more prevalent … Continue reading The World is Too Much With Us

Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh

After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed too, as he couldn’t decide which quarterback he wanted to … Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh