The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING … Continue reading CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

…And the Marching Band Refused to Yield

Last Saturday, hundreds of students were jared from their peaceful though slightly hungover sleep by the CU marching band’s thundering drums of protest. Their trumpets and trombones gleamed with the glory of revolution, and in their eyes there were tears of overwhelming pride in their movement. The Golden Buffalo marching band, an ensemble of woodwinds, brasses, and snares, is usually dedicated in its attempts at … Continue reading …And the Marching Band Refused to Yield

Truth is Stranger than Earth Muffins: When is a Fetus a Human Being?

On June 29th, Brandy Bottone, a pregnant Texas woman was pulled over by a Dallas County sheriff’s deputy for driving in an HOV (high-occupancy vehicle) lane.  When asked where her other passenger was, she pointed to her belly (she was 34 weeks pregnant).  Ms. Bottone claimed that, in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, her unborn baby qualified as … Continue reading Truth is Stranger than Earth Muffins: When is a Fetus a Human Being?

Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try. The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there … Continue reading Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup

Mayhem erupted the past week as CU chancellor Phil Distefano has adopted a chaotic new persona: The Homelander. After watching the new season of The Boys, Distefano was a changed man, anonymous sources from the administrator’s office say. After viewing the season, he locked himself in his office, requesting frequent milk deliveries and different fabrics to eventually create his own Homelander costume. According to those … Continue reading ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup

The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

Last Tuesday, at a party in the Lofts, Jeffery Reginald declared that he was “more based” than everyone else on campus. He was showing a girl his “indie” playlist, full of Car Seat Headrest and Tame Impala, and declaring himself an indie fan and that he was based and loved Mark Fisher. This was the news that shocked the campus. More based than me? Huh? … Continue reading The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool. “I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program. The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened … Continue reading If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

Boulder, CO- A college student was assaulting the police, our delivery workers, and our eyes, on the hill this week. Reports of a naked man near our favorite sweatshop, Starbucks, started coming in mid-day on Tuesday the 23rd. Our new reporter Chasey June ran to the scene to report and get statements from the surrounding witnesses. This is what he found: “Hi! It’s really crazy … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle