Author: earthmuffinscu

Breaking News

Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

When Steven Spielberg was hired to direct the remake of West Side Story, he insisted on bringing the movie up to date.  He felt that, in post-racist 2021 America, the plot of a white gang vs. a Puerto Rican gang in 1950s NYC would no longer capture audience interest.  So, to make it relevant, he insisted that writers focus on the rivalry between Pfizer and … Continue reading Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

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Breaking News

CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents. Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another … Continue reading CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

earthmuffinscu
On Campus

CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

In a controversial move, the CU Boulder administration chose to further isolate engineering students by forcing them all to live in the auxiliary dorms, known as Will Vill. Engineering students are currently only somewhat isolated on campus—with their own classes, and in the case of that scary place known as Andrews, their own dorms. Now, pursuant to Mark Kennedy’s beyond-the-presidency master plan, engineering students will … Continue reading CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

earthmuffinscu
On Campus

Two Students Who Tried to Answer a Question at the Same Time Really Fucking Hate Each Other

Ready to brutally murder each other, two students, Sally Omega and Joan Powers told each other it’s ok and that they can go after talking at the same time in class.  When Professor Beauxregaurde asked about what horror meant as a genre in his 3000 level creative writing class, Omega and Powers perked their heads up, and before it was too late, both began to … Continue reading Two Students Who Tried to Answer a Question at the Same Time Really Fucking Hate Each Other

earthmuffinscu
On Campus

Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen

It’s a beautiful, brisk fall day on your college campus: the sun is shining, but there’s a pleasant chill in the air that reminds you that winter is coming soon. It’s not here yet, though, and the leaves are a magnificent gold as you make your way across campus. You’re not going to class, not right now. Nature is calling, and it’s time to find … Continue reading Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen

earthmuffinscu
Politics

Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”

In a remarkable show of honesty and forthrightness, never before seen from the asswipe Senator from West Virginia, Joe Manchin made clear for the first time why he sabotaged President Biden’s and the Democratic Party’s clean energy bill.   “I’ve been telling you that I am all about protecting the economy and workers of my state, but you all know that’s a load of crap.  I’m … Continue reading Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”

earthmuffinscu
On Campus

Daily Trip to Favorite Bathroom Only Thing Holding Man Together

We all have our moments through the day that keep us going, be it seeing the smile of a child, hearing from a loved one, or eating a delicious meal. For those of us without much to look forward to, however, we tend to cling to whatever small pleasures we’re able to squeeze out of this brutal invention we call human life.  University of Colorado … Continue reading Daily Trip to Favorite Bathroom Only Thing Holding Man Together

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Op-Ed

I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

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Breaking News

Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere

Fully against their will, millions of people around the world have been exposed to the torrid love affair between actor Megan Fox, and musician Machine Gun Kelly. Their relationship has been drifting in and out of the public eye for months, but recently grabbed the full attention of the internet following a profile in British GQ. In addition to anecdotes about building pillow forts, and … Continue reading Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere

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