The Beauty of the Coffee Table
It has four legs. It is rectangular. It lives in the center of the living room. It never moves and rarely ever gets cleaned. It is made of wood and houses a peculiar, wide variety of items. On Sunday mornings it is so cluttered that you can’t see the surface of it. It has become… Continue reading The Beauty of the Coffee Table
YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years
BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron. Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten… Continue reading YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years
How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room
Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to… Continue reading How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room
Golden Green
The quaint tourist town of Golden Colorado is a known primarily for the small river known as Clear Creek, the Coors factory, and it’s thriving witch community. Golden is where I grew up and spent the majority of my childhood and, after my first semester at college, I was really looking forward to spending the… Continue reading Golden Green
The World is Too Much With Us
Ladies and gentlemen, as a renowned reporter of this great new century, it is my regret to inform the good citizens of the University of Colorado that as we continue our pleasant existences of studying, partying, exams, vomiting, and ill-fated lunch dates, our contentment is only a result of blind ignorance of the true nature… Continue reading The World is Too Much With Us
Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?
As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs.… Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?
The Ralphie Ritual
Three old bodies have been found in the Norlin quad by the construction workers, the bones appear to be broken and gnawed on. The police are stumped, students are mad that construction is taking so long, and the staff of CU is very concerned. The staff has known about unreported disappearances for years, they were… Continue reading The Ralphie Ritual
To My Negligent Roommate,
Hi! You might recognize me as the other person who hangs around your house, uses the stove, takes up half the fridge? If none of those ring a bell…I’m the person who takes care of your dog. Usually you just kind of throw his leash towards my bedroom door, but sometimes you extend the courtesy… Continue reading To My Negligent Roommate,
Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh
After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed… Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh
I Know A Spot (To Pull Trig)
Ah, November. Midterms are looming, wildfire smoke is in the air, and the Buffs are putting their hearts into losing every game we play. What else is a CU student to do but drink? And drink. And drink some more. So, it’s understandable if someone shows up hungover to class. Maybe you see them wearing… Continue reading I Know A Spot (To Pull Trig)
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