I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too
I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too
Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere
Fully against their will, millions of people around the world have been exposed to the torrid love affair between actor Megan Fox, and musician Machine Gun Kelly. Their relationship has been drifting in and out of the public eye for months, but recently grabbed the full attention of the internet following a profile in British … Continue reading Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere
Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row
In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row
Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome
@NICKIMINAJ My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied 3:44 PM · Sep … Continue reading Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome
I Got the Vaccine, Now What?
I have moldy bread in my pantry. Loads of it actually, loads of loaves of pink, grey, fuzzy rock hard mold bread that I just seem to get more of every day because I am special like that. I can’t help that the rabbits love my rocking chair, either. They’ve earned it, they’ve marked it, … Continue reading I Got the Vaccine, Now What?
Ode to Mark
The tides have turned away from you, O Chief, emblem of our home! Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece, go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, … Continue reading Ode to Mark
Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco
Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan. “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs. Did you really think … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco
Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad
Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad. “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad
Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus
Mark Kennedy sent out a notice to the CU students and staff this afternoon regarding the “white boy summer” trend started by Chet Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), apparently endorsing the trend and implementing the rules. You can read the full statement here: Hello students and members of the Boulder Community. I come to you … Continue reading Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus
The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense
In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state. History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense
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