AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade.  But they might not stop there.  Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion. Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence … Continue reading AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin

This Tuesday morning, The Board of Regents announced that they unanimously selected Todd Saliman as the only finalist for the position of President. Saliman has been serving as interim President, a position which oversees the entire system of four universities, after Mark Kennedy’s departure last year.  Saliman has worked for the University administration long before this announcement, handling the university’s budget and finance operations for … Continue reading CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin

Trump Finds Hole On First Try

At the end of March, after having played a round of golf with Ernie Els and other PGA tour players, ex-President Donald Trump issued a statement confirming that he had scored a  hole-in-one on the par three seventh hole at Trump International Golf Course in West Palm Beach.  Els subsequently tweeted, “Great shot on Saturday 45! Fun to watch the ball roll in for a … Continue reading Trump Finds Hole On First Try

The Truth Is Stranger Than Earth Muffins: Donald Trump’s Strategy for Ending the War In Ukraine

While keeping up with the news, Earth Muffins editors have noticed a distinct trend: we have become increasingly unable to come up with headlines more ridiculous than reality. As such, we have decided to start reporting on real news stories. On March 5th, in a rambling, 84-minute address to 250 of the Republican Party’s top donors at the Four Seasons Hotel in New Orleans, ex-President … Continue reading The Truth Is Stranger Than Earth Muffins: Donald Trump’s Strategy for Ending the War In Ukraine

How to Help Ukraine

As the war in Ukraine continues to escalate, and the horrors are broadcast around the world,  many are left wondering what they can do to help the citizens of Ukraine. Thankfully, we live in a society of consumption and virtue signaling, so you can get all the satisfaction of helping those in need with minute changes to your consumption habits and vocabulary. Experts have agreed … Continue reading How to Help Ukraine

Apartment Tour Subjected to Lovecraftian Horror That Is Your Bedroom

You bolt upright out of a hazy half-slumber in the back of your Principles of Bulgarian Microeconomics class. Oh my god. The realtor is going to show your apartment in 5 minutes, and the contents of your apartment are not fit for human eyes. This is not good.  You meant to email the realtor back and make up some excuse for them not to come. … Continue reading Apartment Tour Subjected to Lovecraftian Horror That Is Your Bedroom

Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”

On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their … Continue reading Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”

Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

When Steven Spielberg was hired to direct the remake of West Side Story, he insisted on bringing the movie up to date.  He felt that, in post-racist 2021 America, the plot of a white gang vs. a Puerto Rican gang in 1950s NYC would no longer capture audience interest.  So, to make it relevant, he insisted that writers focus on the rivalry between Pfizer and … Continue reading Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents. Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another … Continue reading CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere

Fully against their will, millions of people around the world have been exposed to the torrid love affair between actor Megan Fox, and musician Machine Gun Kelly. Their relationship has been drifting in and out of the public eye for months, but recently grabbed the full attention of the internet following a profile in British GQ. In addition to anecdotes about building pillow forts, and … Continue reading Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere