It was a normal morning for Richard Numbers, a measly biochem major. Two classes down by 11:00 am and off to the arguably worst lecture of his day– Organic Chemistry for majors. Normally, his professor is already in the room trying and failing to get his technology to work. But today as the door creaked open and slammed behind Richard, the professor the class had … Continue reading The Professor Lives!
Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try. The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there … Continue reading Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again
Mayhem erupted the past week as CU chancellor Phil Distefano has adopted a chaotic new persona: The Homelander. After watching the new season of The Boys, Distefano was a changed man, anonymous sources from the administrator’s office say. After viewing the season, he locked himself in his office, requesting frequent milk deliveries and different fabrics to eventually create his own Homelander costume. According to those … Continue reading ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup
Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool. “I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program. The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened … Continue reading If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned
Boulder, CO- A college student was assaulting the police, our delivery workers, and our eyes, on the hill this week. Reports of a naked man near our favorite sweatshop, Starbucks, started coming in mid-day on Tuesday the 23rd. Our new reporter Chasey June ran to the scene to report and get statements from the surrounding witnesses. This is what he found: “Hi! It’s really crazy … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle
Boulder, CO – Junior Jake Marine recently made the shocking claim that he’s on 21 girl’s private snapchat stories, shattering Mike Broccoli’s previous record of 9. Regardless, Marine struggles to open up to people, preferring instead to keep his true feelings locked tight and so deep inside him that even he does not know where they are. “Dude,” said Marine, “I’m on so many girl’s … Continue reading “I’m on so many girl’s private stories,” Says Man who Nobody Knows Inner, Private Self
The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade. But they might not stop there. Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion. Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence … Continue reading AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX
This Tuesday morning, The Board of Regents announced that they unanimously selected Todd Saliman as the only finalist for the position of President. Saliman has been serving as interim President, a position which oversees the entire system of four universities, after Mark Kennedy’s departure last year. Saliman has worked for the University administration long before this announcement, handling the university’s budget and finance operations for … Continue reading CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin
At the end of March, after having played a round of golf with Ernie Els and other PGA tour players, ex-President Donald Trump issued a statement confirming that he had scored a hole-in-one on the par three seventh hole at Trump International Golf Course in West Palm Beach. Els subsequently tweeted, “Great shot on Saturday 45! Fun to watch the ball roll in for a … Continue reading Trump Finds Hole On First Try
As the war in Ukraine continues to escalate, and the horrors are broadcast around the world, many are left wondering what they can do to help the citizens of Ukraine. Thankfully, we live in a society of consumption and virtue signaling, so you can get all the satisfaction of helping those in need with minute changes to your consumption habits and vocabulary. Experts have agreed … Continue reading How to Help Ukraine
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