A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

Following a series of leaked screen-grabs of dark, intensely sexual, and often cannibalism-themed text messages sent by Armie Hammer, the Call Me by Your Name actor has officially come out as a cannibal. A statement released by Hammer on Twitter said the following:  “I am a cannibal. I want to eat people. I’m ready to be myself, and I won’t apologize for that. In America … Continue reading A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

The University of Colorado regents have a creative solution for COVID-19 budget woes. On Tuesday, the Regents passed a resolution establishing a new tiered tuition model, with various benefits for higher-paying customers students. CU Regent Jack Kroll, D-Denver, thinks that the new plan will really excite “the young people on campus.” In an exclusive interview with Earth Muffins, Kroll shared the details and intent behind … Continue reading CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Disney XD, a more mature version of the Disney Channel marketed towards children ages 6-15, has sued Nickelodeon after an NFL broadcast in which a player dropped the F-bomb, uncensored. The lawsuit reportedly came after parents who watched the game with their children reported new and unusual uses of the “Fuck” word by the children after the on-air slip-up. “This broadcast clearly encroaches on the … Continue reading Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Donald Trump Jr. Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Several news sources reported today that Donald Trump, Jr. tested positive for coronavirus earlier this week.  Since that time, the President’s son has been isolating in his cabin.  Reports indicate that, to this point, Trump Jr. has been asymptomatic.  Politicians on both sides of the aisle were quick to send their thoughts and prayers as were numerous journalists and correspondents. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer: … Continue reading Donald Trump Jr. Tests Positive for Coronavirus

New Proctorio Function Allows Program to End Your Miserable, Dishonest Life

If you’re like most students, you’re measly, weak, and often lathered in unscrupulous ooze, using deception, rather than your brain, to try to make gains in a stupid, slowly buring world. Dripping with lies, your worth to society is no more than how much money your parents are making right now- or, wait- did they lie on the FAFSA? Ah, I see, you were born … Continue reading New Proctorio Function Allows Program to End Your Miserable, Dishonest Life

Breaking News: The President is Actually Selected at Random, and It Just So Happened to be Joe Biden

Millions of mistakes and other Americans watched these past weeks in anxious terror as the presidential election unfolded. The media displayed this race as a true prime-time event, complete with betrayal (Georgia), surprise (my Dad voted for Trump. Haha, Just Kidding! I’m not surprised at all), and lies (everything). But one key fact just emerged that changes absolutely nothing, baffles everything, and does in no … Continue reading Breaking News: The President is Actually Selected at Random, and It Just So Happened to be Joe Biden

Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

On September 30th, 2020, the pumpkins and gourds of Cottonwood Farms’ pumpkin patch held a meeting to discuss their concerns for this fall season, and hired Earth Muffins reporter Boe Jiden to act as secretary to their assembly. This is what Boe recorded.  Pumpking: Hear ye, hear ye, O pumpkins! I now proclaim this assembly to order! I come to ye grandiose gourds to prepare … Continue reading Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

In a surprising move, CU President Mark Kennedy announced that students will not have weekends for the spring semester. “Considering the cases in Boulder County and Colorado,” Kennedy shared, “we are taking preemptive steps to mitigate the spread of COVID-19.” The policy will begin in January. On October 22, the assistant to the Important Administrator (aka “Dwight”) notified students that spring break in 2021 will … Continue reading President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

The Happiest Place on Earth

Last Wednesday, October 14, the US News & World Report ranked Boulder as the best place to live in the United States. The ranking is just another year of Boulder dominating these leaderboards, largely because of a lobbying group formed by suburban Boulderites several years ago. Boulder Erudites Participating in Schemes (BEPIS) is a lobbying organization dedicated to furthering the interests of the community. We … Continue reading The Happiest Place on Earth

Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

The students of Boulder have had a tumultuous first half of the semester; COVID protocols and safety guidelines have decimated almost all social activities and everyone has been asked to socially distance for the sake of the community. Just recently, however, there was a restriction placed on all 18-22 year olds requiring that any gathering of more than two people was prohibited if one or … Continue reading Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales