The Happiest Place on Earth

Last Wednesday, October 14, the US News & World Report ranked Boulder as the best place to live in the United States. The ranking is just another year of Boulder dominating these leaderboards, largely because of a lobbying group formed by suburban Boulderites several years ago. Boulder Erudites Participating in Schemes (BEPIS) is a lobbying organization dedicated to furthering the interests of the community. We … Continue reading The Happiest Place on Earth

Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

The students of Boulder have had a tumultuous first half of the semester; COVID protocols and safety guidelines have decimated almost all social activities and everyone has been asked to socially distance for the sake of the community. Just recently, however, there was a restriction placed on all 18-22 year olds requiring that any gathering of more than two people was prohibited if one or … Continue reading Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

Fuck yes. City sized spaceships hover all around the world. Oh my god. They look super badass, and the incoherent screeches blaring constantly go so dummy, so, so, hard. This is so dope. All birds in the world pattern the sky in dynamic beauty as they suicidally flock straight into the vaporizing force fields enclosing the alien ships, crashing one after the other like zap … Continue reading Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

Boulder police were compelled to tear gas a mostly-peaceful gathering of Antizza activists when one local dingus who hasn’t learned to vape yet accidentally ignited a cardboard tower of empty pizza boxes while lighting a cigarette. Protestors had gathered outside Cosmo’s Pizza on Baseline and 30th to picket what they called the “single largest reason Boulder doesn’t socially distance.”  That reason?  Cosmo’s incredible 1809 square inches … Continue reading Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels

The University of Colorado has found itself in a precarious situation. If they send students home now, they’ll have created a public health nightmare by bringing students to campus, infecting them, and then sending them across the country. On the other hand, a campus full of infected students has created a nightmare of its own. CU is scrambling to create new spaces for sick students … Continue reading CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels

Earth Muffins Reporters Uncover Oxford Proclamation on Black Death

Reporters at earth muffins magazine have discovered 2 significant historical documents from Oxford in 1350. These documents were released as proclamations from the University before and during the fall semester of 1350, at the height of the black death. Below is the document from that summer. University of Oxford remains optimistic regarding Fall 1350 status Greetings Subjects, This proclamation intends to fully describe the return … Continue reading Earth Muffins Reporters Uncover Oxford Proclamation on Black Death

Oil Industry Jealous of Coronavirus Media Attention

The coronavirus pandemic has been sweeping across the world, with the death toll nearing 100,000 and climbing every day. The U.S. has been forced to respond to the virus through closed schools and self quarantine for almost all non essential workers. Throughout the crisis, one of capitalism’s most famous divas has flown largely under the radar; the oil industry. We interviewed some top execs at … Continue reading Oil Industry Jealous of Coronavirus Media Attention

New CU COVID-19 Defense System Put in Place

CU Boulder has decided to reopen its campus for the semester, and while measures are being taken to ensure classes proceed safely and effectively, concerns about the spread of COVID-19 still permeate a concerned student body. In an effort to alleviate these concerns, CU President Mark Kennedy released a statement via email in which he detailed his new plan for limiting the spread of disease … Continue reading New CU COVID-19 Defense System Put in Place

New Zoom Update Filters Out Existential Crises

Zoom just announced today that their newest update will filter out anything on camera that indicates an existential crisis. This is great news for students and business people around the country, who are not only having a crisis outside their homes, but also inside their minds. Developers at Zoom know that online learning is extremely difficult to transition to, and although they may not care … Continue reading New Zoom Update Filters Out Existential Crises

Farrand Menu Change Spawns Ecological Concerns

Perhaps you’ve noticed, if you’re a student or resident of larger Boulder, a sense of malaise that hangs in the air every Thursday, starting just before noon. It’s not just you — the vibe is just a little off. Thanks to a decision made by CU Dining Services, one of the most important groups in the city’s ecosystem has been disturbed: the skaters. This semester, … Continue reading Farrand Menu Change Spawns Ecological Concerns