Breaking News: The President is Actually Selected at Random, and It Just So Happened to be Joe Biden

Millions of mistakes and other Americans watched these past weeks in anxious terror as the presidential election unfolded. The media displayed this race as a true prime-time event, complete with betrayal (Georgia), surprise (my Dad voted for Trump. Haha, Just Kidding! I’m not surprised at all), and lies (everything). But one key fact just emerged that changes absolutely nothing, baffles everything, and does in no … Continue reading Breaking News: The President is Actually Selected at Random, and It Just So Happened to be Joe Biden

Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

On September 30th, 2020, the pumpkins and gourds of Cottonwood Farms’ pumpkin patch held a meeting to discuss their concerns for this fall season, and hired Earth Muffins reporter Boe Jiden to act as secretary to their assembly. This is what Boe recorded.  Pumpking: Hear ye, hear ye, O pumpkins! I now proclaim this assembly to order! I come to ye grandiose gourds to prepare … Continue reading Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

In a surprising move, CU President Mark Kennedy announced that students will not have weekends for the spring semester. “Considering the cases in Boulder County and Colorado,” Kennedy shared, “we are taking preemptive steps to mitigate the spread of COVID-19.” The policy will begin in January. On October 22, the assistant to the Important Administrator (aka “Dwight”) notified students that spring break in 2021 will … Continue reading President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

The Happiest Place on Earth

Last Wednesday, October 14, the US News & World Report ranked Boulder as the best place to live in the United States. The ranking is just another year of Boulder dominating these leaderboards, largely because of a lobbying group formed by suburban Boulderites several years ago. Boulder Erudites Participating in Schemes (BEPIS) is a lobbying organization dedicated to furthering the interests of the community. We … Continue reading The Happiest Place on Earth

Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

The students of Boulder have had a tumultuous first half of the semester; COVID protocols and safety guidelines have decimated almost all social activities and everyone has been asked to socially distance for the sake of the community. Just recently, however, there was a restriction placed on all 18-22 year olds requiring that any gathering of more than two people was prohibited if one or … Continue reading Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

Fuck yes. City sized spaceships hover all around the world. Oh my god. They look super badass, and the incoherent screeches blaring constantly go so dummy, so, so, hard. This is so dope. All birds in the world pattern the sky in dynamic beauty as they suicidally flock straight into the vaporizing force fields enclosing the alien ships, crashing one after the other like zap … Continue reading Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

Boulder police were compelled to tear gas a mostly-peaceful gathering of Antizza activists when one local dingus who hasn’t learned to vape yet accidentally ignited a cardboard tower of empty pizza boxes while lighting a cigarette. Protestors had gathered outside Cosmo’s Pizza on Baseline and 30th to picket what they called the “single largest reason Boulder doesn’t socially distance.”  That reason?  Cosmo’s incredible 1809 square inches … Continue reading Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels

The University of Colorado has found itself in a precarious situation. If they send students home now, they’ll have created a public health nightmare by bringing students to campus, infecting them, and then sending them across the country. On the other hand, a campus full of infected students has created a nightmare of its own. CU is scrambling to create new spaces for sick students … Continue reading CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels

Earth Muffins Reporters Uncover Oxford Proclamation on Black Death

Reporters at earth muffins magazine have discovered 2 significant historical documents from Oxford in 1350. These documents were released as proclamations from the University before and during the fall semester of 1350, at the height of the black death. Below is the document from that summer. University of Oxford remains optimistic regarding Fall 1350 status Greetings Subjects, This proclamation intends to fully describe the return … Continue reading Earth Muffins Reporters Uncover Oxford Proclamation on Black Death

Oil Industry Jealous of Coronavirus Media Attention

The coronavirus pandemic has been sweeping across the world, with the death toll nearing 100,000 and climbing every day. The U.S. has been forced to respond to the virus through closed schools and self quarantine for almost all non essential workers. Throughout the crisis, one of capitalism’s most famous divas has flown largely under the radar; the oil industry. We interviewed some top execs at … Continue reading Oil Industry Jealous of Coronavirus Media Attention