Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?

The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall

CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING … Continue reading CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus

Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try. The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there … Continue reading Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again

If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool. “I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program. The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened … Continue reading If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

Boulder, CO- A college student was assaulting the police, our delivery workers, and our eyes, on the hill this week. Reports of a naked man near our favorite sweatshop, Starbucks, started coming in mid-day on Tuesday the 23rd. Our new reporter Chasey June ran to the scene to report and get statements from the surrounding witnesses. This is what he found: “Hi! It’s really crazy … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

“I’m on so many girl’s private stories,” Says Man who Nobody Knows Inner, Private Self

Boulder, CO – Junior Jake Marine recently made the shocking claim that he’s on 21 girl’s private snapchat stories, shattering Mike Broccoli’s previous record of 9. Regardless, Marine struggles to open up to people, preferring instead to keep his true feelings locked tight and so deep inside him that even he does not know where they are.  “Dude,” said Marine, “I’m on so many girl’s … Continue reading “I’m on so many girl’s private stories,” Says Man who Nobody Knows Inner, Private Self

Hot New Spot Giving Out Free Food

Most students at any college enjoy whatever free food they can find on their campus. Pizza, cookies, sandwiches–anything that’s easy to grab off the table and walk away with. Earlier today on campus, sophomore Amy Wriggen thought she was getting free shrimp puffs with no catch. “I left the free food group chat in the fall semester because honestly I think I’m better at sniffing … Continue reading Hot New Spot Giving Out Free Food

Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late.  Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On

For years, people at the University of Colorado at Boulder have speculated on when Chancellor Phil DiStefano might retire; the answer is “Never!”  In fact, DiStefano passed away over seven years ago, but the University administration continues to function under his guidance or, more accurately, the leadership of eight DiStefano look-alikes who are hauled out for public view. “Look,” said Provost Russell Moore, “the truth … Continue reading Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On