Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud of this award here at Leeds. As a top-twenty business … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad.  “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone with the professor and the other weirdos who show up … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus

Mark Kennedy sent out a notice to the CU students and staff this afternoon regarding the “white boy summer” trend started by Chet Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), apparently endorsing the trend and implementing the rules. You can read the full statement here: Hello students and members of the Boulder Community. I come to you after some deep consideration with a very important announcement for … Continue reading Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus

President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students

CU’s more than 4,000 international students are vital contributors to the university’s bottom line. In the April 2021 President’s Newsletter, Mark Kennedy outlined the benefits that international students bring to the four campuses of the University of Colorado.  Earth Muffins’ investigative reporter Boe Jiden has obtained an early draft of President Kennedy’s statement, where his editors pointed out a few problematic turns of phrase.  Here it … Continue reading President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students

New Clown Major at CU-Boulder

One year ago, Earth Muffins broke the news of the Pre-Clown track offered at CU-Boulder.  The success of the program was unanticipated; as of the start of the Spring 2021 semester, 1,474 undergraduates had declared the track as part of their academic undertakings.  We now proudly announce the newly formed major program, Bachelor of Science in Clown Studies (B.S. in C.S.), which will commence officially … Continue reading New Clown Major at CU-Boulder

Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

I’m writing to you from the future. Mark my words: Phil DiStefano’s wellness days saved my life. It’s May 4th, the last day of the Spring 2021 semester. I’ve been taking classes for 15 straight weeks. I’ve gone through 73 consecutive days of class, save for two sweet, sweet wellness days. And those two days were the only thing that kept me going. Reflecting over … Continue reading Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

COVID-19 monitoring testing is up and running as students returned to campus this spring semester. And for Joshua “Donut” Jacobson, that has meant a weekly twenty minute episode of freezing spit-covered hands next to Kitt Pond. Earth Muffins secured an exclusive interview with Donut to discuss the challenges surrounding COVID-19 monitoring tests on campus. Donut: You know, before we get started, I just want to … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

Mark Kennedy raised some concerns early this week after he was spotted vehemently urging students to stay inside on campus and in surrounding neighborhoods. His concerns, apparently, were not about the Coronavirus, but rather an email that was sent out to CU students earlier this month concerning a cyberattack.  Kennedy’s actions were initially confusing and hard to decipher. Students interviewed by Earth Muffins after the … Continue reading Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

Faculty, staff shocked as control shifts overnight In a covert operation, the Bruce D. Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization annexed the entirety of East Campus last night. Days after the announcement of a new fascist in residence at CU, operatives raided the Sustainability, Energy and Environment Community (SEEC) complex in East Campus and established a base of operations there under the cover … Continue reading BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

The administration at CU Boulder, our benevolent rulers, are so kind and giving for giving us a single day off for mental health. Some students have not been grateful during this bountiful time of rest, however. It seems that certain students are spending this day studying! This is truly disrespectful to our great administration; Mark Kennedy and Phil DiStefano have only given to the community … Continue reading CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School