Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late.  Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On

For years, people at the University of Colorado at Boulder have speculated on when Chancellor Phil DiStefano might retire; the answer is “Never!”  In fact, DiStefano passed away over seven years ago, but the University administration continues to function under his guidance or, more accurately, the leadership of eight DiStefano look-alikes who are hauled out for public view. “Look,” said Provost Russell Moore, “the truth … Continue reading Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On

An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field

Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance: BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to … Continue reading An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field

CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

In a controversial move, the CU Boulder administration chose to further isolate engineering students by forcing them all to live in the auxiliary dorms, known as Will Vill. Engineering students are currently only somewhat isolated on campus—with their own classes, and in the case of that scary place known as Andrews, their own dorms. Now, pursuant to Mark Kennedy’s beyond-the-presidency master plan, engineering students will … Continue reading CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

Two Students Who Tried to Answer a Question at the Same Time Really Fucking Hate Each Other

Ready to brutally murder each other, two students, Sally Omega and Joan Powers told each other it’s ok and that they can go after talking at the same time in class.  When Professor Beauxregaurde asked about what horror meant as a genre in his 3000 level creative writing class, Omega and Powers perked their heads up, and before it was too late, both began to … Continue reading Two Students Who Tried to Answer a Question at the Same Time Really Fucking Hate Each Other

Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen

It’s a beautiful, brisk fall day on your college campus: the sun is shining, but there’s a pleasant chill in the air that reminds you that winter is coming soon. It’s not here yet, though, and the leaves are a magnificent gold as you make your way across campus. You’re not going to class, not right now. Nature is calling, and it’s time to find … Continue reading Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen

Daily Trip to Favorite Bathroom Only Thing Holding Man Together

We all have our moments through the day that keep us going, be it seeing the smile of a child, hearing from a loved one, or eating a delicious meal. For those of us without much to look forward to, however, we tend to cling to whatever small pleasures we’re able to squeeze out of this brutal invention we call human life.  University of Colorado … Continue reading Daily Trip to Favorite Bathroom Only Thing Holding Man Together

Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud of this award here at Leeds. As a top-twenty business … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad.  “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone with the professor and the other weirdos who show up … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad