The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

Last Tuesday, at a party in the Lofts, Jeffery Reginald declared that he was “more based” than everyone else on campus. He was showing a girl his “indie” playlist, full of Car Seat Headrest and Tame Impala, and declaring himself an indie fan and that he was based and loved Mark Fisher. This was the news that shocked the campus. More based than me? Huh? … Continue reading The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

A 21 Year-Old’s Investigative Journal  October 2021:   It’s been two months since my Pfizer booster shot. I can’t stop shivering and shaking in the night, I awake and use the restroom at an astounding rate. I’m becoming self conscious of my actions. What do my roommates think of me? They must hear the toilet flush at an average of 5.4 times per night. It must be the … Continue reading Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

How to Kill It This Easter Like You’re Pontius Pilate

If you’re anything like me, fellow Buffs, you’re still reeling from the hysterics of Palm Sunday. Tickling each other’s balls with palm leaves during the service was pretty rad, but the fun doesn’t end there! Easter weekend is fast approaching! Here’s how to celebrate the resurrection of Christ like a real Buff:  Treat yourself. Lent is over my dudes!! I don’t know about you but … Continue reading How to Kill It This Easter Like You’re Pontius Pilate

Gamer Guide: Sites of Grace Locations in Boulder

Elden Ring has now sold more than 12 million copies since it was released, and chances are either you’re playing it or you know somebody who is. Whether it be your roommate Tyler who has never played a video game game that isn’t Madden before and is now waking you up at 3 A.M the night before your Scandinavian Macroeconomics exam bellowing with rage at … Continue reading Gamer Guide: Sites of Grace Locations in Boulder

I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

Ode to Mark

The tides have turned away from you, O Chief,  emblem of our home!  Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece,  go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, Sucker and Fucker, rapacious Vanilla King! Are you off to … Continue reading Ode to Mark