There is someone down here. I just know it. You see I live in Libby Basement. It sucks. The late nights with teens who think they are sneaky and the RA’s who use their patrol time to make out. I try to stay out of their way. I just want to sleep. But no matter how many times I pause the freshman’s movies, slam their … Continue reading The Ghosts of Libby Basement
As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?
Ah, November. Midterms are looming, wildfire smoke is in the air, and the Buffs are putting their hearts into losing every game we play. What else is a CU student to do but drink? And drink. And drink some more. So, it’s understandable if someone shows up hungover to class. Maybe you see them wearing shades in the basement of Munzinger, or maybe they’re crawling … Continue reading I Know A Spot (To Pull Trig)
There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall
Last Tuesday, at a party in the Lofts, Jeffery Reginald declared that he was “more based” than everyone else on campus. He was showing a girl his “indie” playlist, full of Car Seat Headrest and Tame Impala, and declaring himself an indie fan and that he was based and loved Mark Fisher. This was the news that shocked the campus. More based than me? Huh? … Continue reading The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen
A 21 Year-Old’s Investigative Journal October 2021: It’s been two months since my Pfizer booster shot. I can’t stop shivering and shaking in the night, I awake and use the restroom at an astounding rate. I’m becoming self conscious of my actions. What do my roommates think of me? They must hear the toilet flush at an average of 5.4 times per night. It must be the … Continue reading Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands
If you’re anything like me, fellow Buffs, you’re still reeling from the hysterics of Palm Sunday. Tickling each other’s balls with palm leaves during the service was pretty rad, but the fun doesn’t end there! Easter weekend is fast approaching! Here’s how to celebrate the resurrection of Christ like a real Buff: Treat yourself. Lent is over my dudes!! I don’t know about you but … Continue reading How to Kill It This Easter Like You’re Pontius Pilate
Elden Ring has now sold more than 12 million copies since it was released, and chances are either you’re playing it or you know somebody who is. Whether it be your roommate Tyler who has never played a video game game that isn’t Madden before and is now waking you up at 3 A.M the night before your Scandinavian Macroeconomics exam bellowing with rage at … Continue reading Gamer Guide: Sites of Grace Locations in Boulder
Over the break between semesters, back at home with the parental units, whose COVID-19 paranoia kept me confined to my bedroom for weeks on end (they left me trays of food outside the door), I had nothing to do but surf the interweb; it was there, in the realm of inconvenient truths, I learned that Birds Aren’t Real. You may think me the victim of … Continue reading Birds Aren’t Real!
You walk the hill. It’s night. Earlier this Julian day you ate Trader Joe’s Fiery Chicken Curry. You liked it then, and it tasted great. For three bucks, it’s a steal of a meal. So you gobbled that gunk down like a hungry pig first in line for the slop trough, god bless baby, that tasted good. But your actions have consequences. You are not … Continue reading How to Hurt Your Elbow
Earth Muffins 