I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too

I have moldy bread in my pantry. Loads of it actually, loads of loaves of pink, grey, fuzzy rock hard mold bread that I just seem to get more of every day because I am special like that. I can’t help that the rabbits love my rocking chair, either. They’ve earned it, they’ve marked it, and there’s probably like two or three pregnant rabbits thanks … Continue reading I Got the Vaccine, Now What?

The tides have turned away from you, O Chief,  emblem of our home!  Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece,  go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, Sucker and Fucker, rapacious Vanilla King! Are you off to … Continue reading Ode to Mark

1.  Get Organized. Between the collapse of society, Kraus the kind cockroach that lives under my bed, and wanting to hit a reverse twist dive off the Flatirons, life can seem pretty overwhelming. A good first step is to set your records straight, maybe by making a colored calendar or sacrificing a lamb to The Dark Lord. 2.  Do one thing at a time. I … Continue reading Crumbling? In Despair? Feeling Worthless? Here Are 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Shit Together

In honor of International Women’s Day this Monday, Earth Muffins would like to share this touching opinion piece sent in by an anonymous member of one of CU’s very own fraternities. Hey bros, hope you all had an amazing International Women’s Day! I know I did. Many of you probably heard about that huge party that happened on the Hill over the weekend, but you … Continue reading Opinion: Hill Party Was Actually a Celebration of International Women’s Day

The 2020 election marks a significant shift in American cinematic appeal. As the entire world has been grossly entranced by US politics since the 2016 election, we all know that Trump’s presidency has been a truly unique experience. It was at times Game of Thrones-esque, like when we found out Trump paid Stormy Daniels hush money, it was educational, like when Don Jr. was finally … Continue reading America to Shift Genres Following Election

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally happened. As the world and our collective psyche has deteriorated over the past decade, we have all become more accustomed to accepting ridiculous news stories every day. Remember when Obama wearing a tan suit was a national news story? Those were the days. Nowadays, you would read “Trump Linked to Infant Cannibalism Ring”, and just sort of… accept it and … Continue reading Line Between Reality and Satire Blurs Completely After Trump Taliban Endorsement

So, your 7 year old kid just joined baseball, or soccer, or hockey. Great job! You did it! But, what you didn’t realize was how this activity, which was originally meant to get your kid off of Fortnite and to be more active, would change you. Your life now belongs to your kid’s sport, and here is a guide of steps to make sure you … Continue reading How to be a Good Sports Parent

Faculty and students alike were outraged by the selection of Mark Kennedy to succeed Bruce Benson as President of CU. Critics claim his experience is inadequate and his voting record as a congressman is contrary to the values of the University. To the additional displeasure of university affiliates, the regents selected Mark Kennedy as their only finalist for the position, undermining the final vote. The … Continue reading A List of People That Would Make a Better President Than Mark Kennedy