Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan.  “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs.  Did you really think I wanted another kid when I was 60 years old?  … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state.  History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain death, he recanted. “Didst thou not see the smiley face … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

Yo(Open up, man) What do you want, man?(They just caught me) You let them catch you?(I don’t know how I let this happen) With who?(That 17-year-old, you know) Man(I don’t know what to do) Say it wasn’t you(Alright) Bill Barr came in and caught me red-handedCreeping with young girls and whores.Pictures of naked women I’m showing To my colleagues on the Congress floor.How could I forget … Continue reading MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME

Over the weekend of President’s Day, the Biden family took a vacation to Camp David, where they enjoyed quality family time together and, more importantly, had an old-school Mario Kart showdown. As reported by numerous publications, who were evidently having record-breakingly slow news days, Joe’s granddaughter Naomi posted a video of the two of them engaged in sweet, rubbery, kart-kombat. When asked to comment on … Continue reading Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

The riot in D.C. last Wednesday left the nation confused and angry after the Capitol Building was breached for the first time since the war of 1812. Not only was the baby-gloved treatment of the MAGA mob a stark contrast and blatant double standard to the handling of peaceful BLM protests in D.C. and across the country last year, security was so lax that many … Continue reading Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

The morning of November 7th, Earth Muffins journalist Boe Jiden received an email from his grandmother with the subject line “Dems Stole the Election with Witchcraft!!!1”. Generally, Boe would dismiss such an email out of hand, but the subject line was ridiculous enough to intrigue him.  Upon reading the email, Mr. Jiden was enlightened as to the various ways that Democrats are using dark magics … Continue reading Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

Early on Monday morning, the NFL announced a new addition to the Thanksgiving football schedule — an extra game deemed the “America Bowl”. According to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell in the press release for the additional game, the America Bowl is meant to decide the winner of the 2020 election:  “Our country today stands divided between two men who both claim victory and the right … Continue reading US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

American alt-metal band System of a Down has returned with their first new music in 15 years — two songs called “Protect the Land” and “Genocidal Humanoidz”. All of the members of the band are of Armernian descent, and cited the ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan and the “dire and serious war being perpetrated upon [their] cultural homelands” as the impetus for their new … Continue reading Trump Tries to Take Credit for System of a Down’s Return

America has discovered both a new president and a new disorder this week. Today, CU Boulder’s Collmeyer lab identified a new psychological phenomenon caused by the 2020 U.S. election results. The researchers observed an acute disorder, called “Post-Pennsylvania Stress Disorder” (PPSD), among a significant portion of surveyed college students. The phenomenon results in a variety of symptoms and ranges from mild cases of browser refreshing … Continue reading CU Researchers Identify Election-Related Post-Pennsylvania Stress Disorder