If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool. “I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program. The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened … Continue reading If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade.  But they might not stop there.  Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion. Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence … Continue reading AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

Marjorie Taylor Greene High School Opens in Calhoun, Georgia

On February 14th, the fourth anniversary of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shootings in Parkland, Florida, the city of Calhoun in Georgia’s 4th Congressional District unveiled the Marjorie Taylor Greene High School.  The Congresswoman was on hand to be honored and, in lieu of a ribbon cutting ceremony, fired the first shot into the bullet-proof glass of the building’s front door. Mayor James F. … Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene High School Opens in Calhoun, Georgia

Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”

In a remarkable show of honesty and forthrightness, never before seen from the asswipe Senator from West Virginia, Joe Manchin made clear for the first time why he sabotaged President Biden’s and the Democratic Party’s clean energy bill.   “I’ve been telling you that I am all about protecting the economy and workers of my state, but you all know that’s a load of crap.  I’m … Continue reading Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”

Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan.  “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs.  Did you really think I wanted another kid when I was 60 years old?  … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state.  History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain death, he recanted. “Didst thou not see the smiley face … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME

Yo(Open up, man) What do you want, man?(They just caught me) You let them catch you?(I don’t know how I let this happen) With who?(That 17-year-old, you know) Man(I don’t know what to do) Say it wasn’t you(Alright) Bill Barr came in and caught me red-handedCreeping with young girls and whores.Pictures of naked women I’m showing To my colleagues on the Congress floor.How could I forget … Continue reading MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME

Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

Over the weekend of President’s Day, the Biden family took a vacation to Camp David, where they enjoyed quality family time together and, more importantly, had an old-school Mario Kart showdown. As reported by numerous publications, who were evidently having record-breakingly slow news days, Joe’s granddaughter Naomi posted a video of the two of them engaged in sweet, rubbery, kart-kombat. When asked to comment on … Continue reading Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S

Photos of the 2017 Donald Trump inauguration and the 2021 Joe Biden inauguration prove conclusively that thousands more people attended the former than the latter.   Stepping out of the shadows for the first time in years, Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary said he felt vindicated by the photographs.  Four years ago, in his first press conference, Spicer accused the press of trying “to … Continue reading TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S