Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

The riot in D.C. last Wednesday left the nation confused and angry after the Capitol Building was breached for the first time since the war of 1812. Not only was the baby-gloved treatment of the MAGA mob a stark contrast and blatant double standard to the handling of peaceful BLM protests in D.C. and across the country last year, security was so lax that many … Continue reading Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

The morning of November 7th, Earth Muffins journalist Boe Jiden received an email from his grandmother with the subject line “Dems Stole the Election with Witchcraft!!!1”. Generally, Boe would dismiss such an email out of hand, but the subject line was ridiculous enough to intrigue him.  Upon reading the email, Mr. Jiden was enlightened as to the various ways that Democrats are using dark magics … Continue reading Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

Early on Monday morning, the NFL announced a new addition to the Thanksgiving football schedule — an extra game deemed the “America Bowl”. According to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell in the press release for the additional game, the America Bowl is meant to decide the winner of the 2020 election:  “Our country today stands divided between two men who both claim victory and the right … Continue reading US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

Trump Tries to Take Credit for System of a Down’s Return

American alt-metal band System of a Down has returned with their first new music in 15 years — two songs called “Protect the Land” and “Genocidal Humanoidz”. All of the members of the band are of Armernian descent, and cited the ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan and the “dire and serious war being perpetrated upon [their] cultural homelands” as the impetus for their new … Continue reading Trump Tries to Take Credit for System of a Down’s Return

CU Researchers Identify Election-Related Post-Pennsylvania Stress Disorder

America has discovered both a new president and a new disorder this week. Today, CU Boulder’s Collmeyer lab identified a new psychological phenomenon caused by the 2020 U.S. election results. The researchers observed an acute disorder, called “Post-Pennsylvania Stress Disorder” (PPSD), among a significant portion of surveyed college students. The phenomenon results in a variety of symptoms and ranges from mild cases of browser refreshing … Continue reading CU Researchers Identify Election-Related Post-Pennsylvania Stress Disorder

AOC Brings Among Us Tactics to Capitol Hill

On October 21st, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez broke from traditional ideas of how politicians should communicate with their constituents by livestreaming the hit deception game “Among Us” to viewers across the country.  Troubling news has emerged from Washington, however, that AOC may have been unduly influenced by her time playing Among Us with fellow Representative, Ilhan Omar. On Friday, October 23rd, during a meeting on national … Continue reading AOC Brings Among Us Tactics to Capitol Hill

Donald Trump Refuses to Denounce Literal Nazi Zombies

After last week’s debate insanity the biggest take away was that Donald Trump, when asked to denounce white supremacy, refused to. Even some of Donald Trump’s own supporters were upset that he didn’t answer probably the single most tee-ball level question of the debate, or any debate for that matter. As the graceful journalists we are at Earth Muffins, we decided to give Trump another … Continue reading Donald Trump Refuses to Denounce Literal Nazi Zombies

Herman Cain’s Ghost Tweets Not To Worry About Coronavirus

In an eerie turn of events that could only occur in Spooktober of 2020, Hermain Cain’s twitter account has become active again, following his untimely demise in late July. Mirroring the President’s sentiment after being discharged from Walter Reed, Herman Cain, now under the twitter handle “Herman the Friendly Ghost” tweeted the following: “After my revolutionary $20,000,000 spectral liberation surgery, I feel better than I … Continue reading Herman Cain’s Ghost Tweets Not To Worry About Coronavirus

Geneva Convention Canceled Amid Coronavirus Concerns

With the increasing impact of COVID-19, it would be expected that large events and conventions such as Coachella and Comic Con would be cancelled or delayed; however, there is one convention to cancel somewhat unexpectedly: the Geneva Convention. Sophie Waffle, Prime Minister of Belgium, seemed understandably uneasy when asked to comment. “So help me god, if anyone uses us to get to France again”. We … Continue reading Geneva Convention Canceled Amid Coronavirus Concerns