After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed too, as he couldn’t decide which quarterback he wanted to … Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh
Last Saturday, hundreds of students were jared from their peaceful though slightly hungover sleep by the CU marching band’s thundering drums of protest. Their trumpets and trombones gleamed with the glory of revolution, and in their eyes there were tears of overwhelming pride in their movement. The Golden Buffalo marching band, an ensemble of woodwinds, brasses, and snares, is usually dedicated in its attempts at … Continue reading …And the Marching Band Refused to Yield
The Memphis Grizzlies are on an absolute tear. They lead the league in points off turnovers, blocks per game, offensive rebounds per game, and have been the highest ever scoring team to come out of Memphis, ever. You might think this is a silly little accident. A team from a ho-bunk town like Memphis being… good enough to contend? No way! However, this is supposed … Continue reading Ja Morant Will Kill You
In an unprecedented outcome, Ingeborg Kristiansen of Norway won the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the women’s biathlon event at the Winter Olympics in Beijing. For those who haven’t been following this exciting event, it combines the sports of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. Athletes race on a cross-country trail, stopping periodically to shoot at targets. In a surprise move at the start of … Continue reading 2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon
Following their AFC Championship win, Earth Muffins was able to secure an exclusive interview with Kansas City Head Coach Andy Reid. “Andy. Mr. Reid. Big Chief. How do you do it? You’re hot off a Super Bowl win last year, and it’s looking like you may just do it two years in a row. What’s your secret?” “Well, the team is great, our secondary defense … Continue reading Report: Andy Reid’s Mask is Full of “Tasty Little Treats”
For the first time since 1921, the University of Colorado football team is undefeated.Had the football season begun on September 5 th , as originally scheduled, the Buffaloeswould have played games against Colorado State, Fresno State, Texas A&M, Oregon,Utah, Arizona, USC and Arizona State through the end of October. In all likelihood, thiswould have resulted in a 1 and 7 record (with losses against every … Continue reading CU Football Undefeated as Shortened Season Begins – First Time in a Century
You guys have heard of baseball, right? I’m pretty sure it involves some guys that run around a field and throw around a ball. My dad used to take me out to a field and toss around a ball with me, and that could have been baseball, but I’m not sure. He never said “let’s go play some baseball, son,” he would only say “Let’s … Continue reading Baseball?
Football season is a’brewin’, and the Buffs are biting at the bit to get back to the gridiron. With their first game right around the corner on November 7th against the great UCLA Bruins, it’s time to get hype. It’s time to get that autumn blood flowin’, and with great respect the athletic department’s PR team has given Earth Muffins exclusive access to announce to … Continue reading Coach Karl Dorell Buried Quarterback Tyler Lytle Alive And Wants YOU To Find Him!
In perhaps the greatest misleading-statistics crossover of all time, the University of Colorado has enlisted a team of sports analysts from ESPN to work on the newest edition of the COVID-19 dashboard. “The analysts’ ability to conjure meaningless statistics in order to fill air time is really going to bring our dashboard to the next level. I’m elated to have them along for the 9th … Continue reading CU Administration Enlisting ESPN Analysts to Work On COVID-19 Dashboard
Coming next quarantine to Netflix is a hastily produced and shoddily sourced story of the shocking behind-the-scenes world of college mascot handling. “We weren’t sure if Tiger King was a success because of the quirky characters and cute tiger cubs, or simply because everyone in the world had absolutely nothing better to do,” said Netflix CEO Wilmot Hastings in a Zoom interview which led to … Continue reading Buffalo Queen: Murder, Mayhem and Mascots