CIRES, the Cooperative Institute for Research in Environmental Sciences at the University of Colorado Boulder, was founded in 1967 and, according to Earth Muffins’ science reporter (in other words, ChatGPT) it “is a leading research institute dedicated to advancing our understanding of the environment and developing solutions to environmental challenges facing society.”  For decades, researchers at the Institute have been studying climate change and concluding … Continue reading CIRES Directors Declare Global Warming a “Crock of Shit”

It has four legs. It is rectangular. It lives in the center of the living room. It never moves and rarely ever gets cleaned. It is made of wood and houses a peculiar, wide variety of items. On Sunday mornings it is so cluttered that you can’t see the surface of it. It has become an autonomous being. At times, this thing can be a … Continue reading The Beauty of the Coffee Table

BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron. Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten classes in order to maximize his college experience. “Give me … Continue reading YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years

Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to worry, as here we have three ani-confrontational methods of preventing … Continue reading How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room

The quaint tourist town of Golden Colorado is a known primarily for the small river known as Clear Creek, the Coors factory, and it’s thriving witch community. Golden is where I grew up and spent the majority of my childhood and, after my first semester at college, I was really looking forward to spending the holidays with my family. Now, as you may have guessed … Continue reading Golden Green

Three old bodies have been found in the Norlin quad by the construction workers, the bones appear to be broken and gnawed on. The police are stumped, students are mad that construction is taking so long, and the staff of CU is very concerned. The staff has known about unreported disappearances for years, they were always nutrition students so no one really knew they existed. … Continue reading The Ralphie Ritual

Hi! You might recognize me as the other person who hangs around your house, uses the stove, takes up half the fridge? If none of those ring a bell…I’m the person who takes care of your dog. Usually you just kind of throw his leash towards my bedroom door, but sometimes you extend the courtesy of a text: hey, sorry it’s last minute, but i’m … Continue reading To My Negligent Roommate,

Heading down to school each morning I’m met with my favorite thing, Construction It slows traffic to a crawl  Making the buses fit tightly between little cars People waiting to cross the busy road Without being hit Trust me when I say  I love construction It makes me late for class It makes my morning so… Beautiful Rushing and rushing to get onto a bus … Continue reading I love construction

BOULDER, CO- Researchers at the CU Boulder’s Cech Laboratory have recently announced that they have developed a groundbreaking new vaccine for Covid-19, all of its variants, and celibacy. Buried deep in the “Cu Boulder Today” newsletter, the announcement came as the culmination of hard work containing cumming and cunning calculations.  “This shit is revolutionary!” exclaimed lead scientist Kraus Cockroach. “Ah metamorphosis, may it be the … Continue reading Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck