YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years

BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron. Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten classes in order to maximize his college experience. “Give me … Continue reading YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years

How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room

Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to worry, as here we have three ani-confrontational methods of preventing … Continue reading How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room

Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck

BOULDER, CO- Researchers at the CU Boulder’s Cech Laboratory have recently announced that they have developed a groundbreaking new vaccine for Covid-19, all of its variants, and celibacy. Buried deep in the “Cu Boulder Today” newsletter, the announcement came as the culmination of hard work containing cumming and cunning calculations.  “This shit is revolutionary!” exclaimed lead scientist Kraus Cockroach. “Ah metamorphosis, may it be the … Continue reading Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck

Resources for the Boulder Community

To the Boulder community: Now is not the time for comedy. While it’s not our place to discuss the tragedy that occurred yesterday, we want to use our platform to share some resources to help the families of the victims and the Boulder community at large. Here’s a piece that compiles the stories of the victims. Please focus on the victims and their families and … Continue reading Resources for the Boulder Community