President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students

CU’s more than 4,000 international students are vital contributors to the university’s bottom line. In the April 2021 President’s Newsletter, Mark Kennedy outlined the benefits that international students bring to the four campuses of the University of Colorado.  Earth Muffins’ investigative reporter Boe Jiden has obtained an early draft of President Kennedy’s statement, where his editors pointed out a few problematic turns of phrase.  Here it … Continue reading President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students

MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME

Yo(Open up, man) What do you want, man?(They just caught me) You let them catch you?(I don’t know how I let this happen) With who?(That 17-year-old, you know) Man(I don’t know what to do) Say it wasn’t you(Alright) Bill Barr came in and caught me red-handedCreeping with young girls and whores.Pictures of naked women I’m showing To my colleagues on the Congress floor.How could I forget … Continue reading MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME

Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck

BOULDER, CO- Researchers at the CU Boulder’s Cech Laboratory have recently announced that they have developed a groundbreaking new vaccine for Covid-19, all of its variants, and celibacy. Buried deep in the “Cu Boulder Today” newsletter, the announcement came as the culmination of hard work containing cumming and cunning calculations.  “This shit is revolutionary!” exclaimed lead scientist Kraus Cockroach. “Ah metamorphosis, may it be the … Continue reading Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck

Crumbling? In Despair? Feeling Worthless? Here Are 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Shit Together

1.  Get Organized. Between the collapse of society, Kraus the kind cockroach that lives under my bed, and wanting to hit a reverse twist dive off the Flatirons, life can seem pretty overwhelming. A good first step is to set your records straight, maybe by making a colored calendar or sacrificing a lamb to The Dark Lord. 2.  Do one thing at a time. I … Continue reading Crumbling? In Despair? Feeling Worthless? Here Are 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Shit Together

New Clown Major at CU-Boulder

One year ago, Earth Muffins broke the news of the Pre-Clown track offered at CU-Boulder.  The success of the program was unanticipated; as of the start of the Spring 2021 semester, 1,474 undergraduates had declared the track as part of their academic undertakings.  We now proudly announce the newly formed major program, Bachelor of Science in Clown Studies (B.S. in C.S.), which will commence officially … Continue reading New Clown Major at CU-Boulder

Resources for the Boulder Community

To the Boulder community: Now is not the time for comedy. While it’s not our place to discuss the tragedy that occurred yesterday, we want to use our platform to share some resources to help the families of the victims and the Boulder community at large. Here’s a piece that compiles the stories of the victims. Please focus on the victims and their families and … Continue reading Resources for the Boulder Community

Opinion: Hill Party Was Actually a Celebration of International Women’s Day

In honor of International Women’s Day this Monday, Earth Muffins would like to share this touching opinion piece sent in by an anonymous member of one of CU’s very own fraternities. Hey bros, hope you all had an amazing International Women’s Day! I know I did. Many of you probably heard about that huge party that happened on the Hill over the weekend, but you … Continue reading Opinion: Hill Party Was Actually a Celebration of International Women’s Day

Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

I’m writing to you from the future. Mark my words: Phil DiStefano’s wellness days saved my life. It’s May 4th, the last day of the Spring 2021 semester. I’ve been taking classes for 15 straight weeks. I’ve gone through 73 consecutive days of class, save for two sweet, sweet wellness days. And those two days were the only thing that kept me going. Reflecting over … Continue reading Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

COVID-19 monitoring testing is up and running as students returned to campus this spring semester. And for Joshua “Donut” Jacobson, that has meant a weekly twenty minute episode of freezing spit-covered hands next to Kitt Pond. Earth Muffins secured an exclusive interview with Donut to discuss the challenges surrounding COVID-19 monitoring tests on campus. Donut: You know, before we get started, I just want to … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

Over the weekend of President’s Day, the Biden family took a vacation to Camp David, where they enjoyed quality family time together and, more importantly, had an old-school Mario Kart showdown. As reported by numerous publications, who were evidently having record-breakingly slow news days, Joe’s granddaughter Naomi posted a video of the two of them engaged in sweet, rubbery, kart-kombat. When asked to comment on … Continue reading Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart