Three old bodies have been found in the Norlin quad by the construction workers, the bones appear to be broken and gnawed on. The police are stumped, students are mad that construction is taking so long, and the staff of CU is very concerned. The staff has known about unreported disappearances for years, they were always nutrition students so no one really knew they existed. … Continue reading The Ralphie Ritual
Hi! You might recognize me as the other person who hangs around your house, uses the stove, takes up half the fridge? If none of those ring a bell…I’m the person who takes care of your dog. Usually you just kind of throw his leash towards my bedroom door, but sometimes you extend the courtesy of a text: hey, sorry it’s last minute, but i’m … Continue reading To My Negligent Roommate,
After being fired for sucking ass at coaching football, Karl Dorell, with nowhere left to go, decided to hide in the vast tunnel network under CU Boulder. His team consistently ranked in the top 5 of the bottom 25, a list chronicling college football’s worst teams, being better than only CSU. Dorell’s commitment issues showed too, as he couldn’t decide which quarterback he wanted to … Continue reading Karl Dorell, Hiding in the Tunnels, Says Nothing as Rats Tear into His Flesh
Ah, November. Midterms are looming, wildfire smoke is in the air, and the Buffs are putting their hearts into losing every game we play. What else is a CU student to do but drink? And drink. And drink some more. So, it’s understandable if someone shows up hungover to class. Maybe you see them wearing shades in the basement of Munzinger, or maybe they’re crawling … Continue reading I Know A Spot (To Pull Trig)
There is something haunting Libby Hall’s bathroom on the first floor, boys wing. Everyday when I use the bathroom, just minding my own business, I see the phantom shits in one of the three stalls. And everyday I let out a blood curdling screech when I see it. When my floormates come to see what’s going on, every time they’re in disbelief and refuse to … Continue reading The Phantom Shitter on Floor One of Libby Hall
After too many long walks and drunk collapses in the streets, CU students are protesting for an IHop on campus. They have gathered around every other business around campus, including Starbucks, Pekoe, and The Laughing Goat. These students come in all shapes and sizes, Seniors demanding some cheap food on campus, juniors who have too much time on their hands, sophomores who really want SOMETHING … Continue reading CU Students Protest for an IHop on Campus
Last Saturday, hundreds of students were jared from their peaceful though slightly hungover sleep by the CU marching band’s thundering drums of protest. Their trumpets and trombones gleamed with the glory of revolution, and in their eyes there were tears of overwhelming pride in their movement. The Golden Buffalo marching band, an ensemble of woodwinds, brasses, and snares, is usually dedicated in its attempts at … Continue reading …And the Marching Band Refused to Yield
On June 29th, Brandy Bottone, a pregnant Texas woman was pulled over by a Dallas County sheriff’s deputy for driving in an HOV (high-occupancy vehicle) lane. When asked where her other passenger was, she pointed to her belly (she was 34 weeks pregnant). Ms. Bottone claimed that, in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, her unborn baby qualified as … Continue reading Truth is Stranger than Earth Muffins: When is a Fetus a Human Being?
Ah, such is the wheel of life, the weight of the world, the turmolt of the Earth: A Leeds School of Business think tank can’t stop conceptualizing Snag, no matter how hard they try. The think tank consists of Economics professor Carl Spreadsheet, business analytics professor Sally Omega, marketing instructor Jennifer Lawrence, twin grad students Max and Jerry Johnson, and a couple of undergrads there … Continue reading Leeds Think Tank Keeps Making Snag Over and Over Again
Heading down to school each morning I’m met with my favorite thing, Construction It slows traffic to a crawl Making the buses fit tightly between little cars People waiting to cross the busy road Without being hit Trust me when I say I love construction It makes me late for class It makes my morning so… Beautiful Rushing and rushing to get onto a bus … Continue reading I love construction
Earth Muffins 