You bolt upright out of a hazy half-slumber in the back of your Principles of Bulgarian Microeconomics class. Oh my god. The realtor is going to show your apartment in 5 minutes, and the contents of your apartment are not fit for human eyes. This is not good. You meant to email the realtor back and make up some excuse for them not to come. … Continue reading Apartment Tour Subjected to Lovecraftian Horror That Is Your Bedroom
Over the break between semesters, back at home with the parental units, whose COVID-19 paranoia kept me confined to my bedroom for weeks on end (they left me trays of food outside the door), I had nothing to do but surf the interweb; it was there, in the realm of inconvenient truths, I learned that Birds Aren’t Real. You may think me the victim of … Continue reading Birds Aren’t Real!
You walk the hill. It’s night. Earlier this Julian day you ate Trader Joe’s Fiery Chicken Curry. You liked it then, and it tasted great. For three bucks, it’s a steal of a meal. So you gobbled that gunk down like a hungry pig first in line for the slop trough, god bless baby, that tasted good. But your actions have consequences. You are not … Continue reading How to Hurt Your Elbow
In an unprecedented outcome, Ingeborg Kristiansen of Norway won the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the women’s biathlon event at the Winter Olympics in Beijing. For those who haven’t been following this exciting event, it combines the sports of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. Athletes race on a cross-country trail, stopping periodically to shoot at targets. In a surprise move at the start of … Continue reading 2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon
While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late. Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash
On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their … Continue reading Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”
For years, people at the University of Colorado at Boulder have speculated on when Chancellor Phil DiStefano might retire; the answer is “Never!” In fact, DiStefano passed away over seven years ago, but the University administration continues to function under his guidance or, more accurately, the leadership of eight DiStefano look-alikes who are hauled out for public view. “Look,” said Provost Russell Moore, “the truth … Continue reading Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On
On the first day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me a right to open carry. On the second day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 2 red “Let’s Go Brandon” dresses. On the third day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 3 unused COVID vaccines. On the fourth day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 4 Qanon tees. On the fifth … Continue reading Lauren Boebert’s Twelve Days of Christmas
Turning 21 is a big milestone in anyone’s life, whether you’re a burgeoning alcoholic or not, but it can be stressful wondering how to make the most of your big night. This guide will hopefully remove some of the worry from your birthday, so you can focus on the important things, like getting hammered. First, let’s cover some health and safety basics to make sure … Continue reading A Guide to Turning 21 in Boulder
Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance: BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to … Continue reading An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field
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