You walk the hill. It’s night. Earlier this Julian day you ate Trader Joe’s Fiery Chicken Curry. You liked it then, and it tasted great. For three bucks, it’s a steal of a meal. So you gobbled that gunk down like a hungry pig first in line for the slop trough, god bless baby, that tasted good. But your actions have consequences. You are not … Continue reading How to Hurt Your Elbow
In an unprecedented outcome, Ingeborg Kristiansen of Norway won the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the women’s biathlon event at the Winter Olympics in Beijing. For those who haven’t been following this exciting event, it combines the sports of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. Athletes race on a cross-country trail, stopping periodically to shoot at targets. In a surprise move at the start of … Continue reading 2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon
While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late. Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash
On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their … Continue reading Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”
For years, people at the University of Colorado at Boulder have speculated on when Chancellor Phil DiStefano might retire; the answer is “Never!” In fact, DiStefano passed away over seven years ago, but the University administration continues to function under his guidance or, more accurately, the leadership of eight DiStefano look-alikes who are hauled out for public view. “Look,” said Provost Russell Moore, “the truth … Continue reading Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On
On the first day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me a right to open carry. On the second day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 2 red “Let’s Go Brandon” dresses. On the third day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 3 unused COVID vaccines. On the fourth day of Christmas Lauren Boebert gave to me 4 Qanon tees. On the fifth … Continue reading Lauren Boebert’s Twelve Days of Christmas
Turning 21 is a big milestone in anyone’s life, whether you’re a burgeoning alcoholic or not, but it can be stressful wondering how to make the most of your big night. This guide will hopefully remove some of the worry from your birthday, so you can focus on the important things, like getting hammered. First, let’s cover some health and safety basics to make sure … Continue reading A Guide to Turning 21 in Boulder
Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance: BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to … Continue reading An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field
When Steven Spielberg was hired to direct the remake of West Side Story, he insisted on bringing the movie up to date. He felt that, in post-racist 2021 America, the plot of a white gang vs. a Puerto Rican gang in 1950s NYC would no longer capture audience interest. So, to make it relevant, he insisted that writers focus on the rivalry between Pfizer and … Continue reading Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks
As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents. Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another … Continue reading CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament
Earth Muffins 