2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon

In an unprecedented outcome, Ingeborg  Kristiansen of Norway won the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the women’s biathlon event at the Winter Olympics in Beijing.  For those who haven’t been following this exciting event, it combines the sports of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting.  Athletes race on a cross-country trail, stopping periodically to shoot at targets. In a surprise move at the start of … Continue reading 2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon

Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late.  Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash

Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”

On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their … Continue reading Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”

Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On

For years, people at the University of Colorado at Boulder have speculated on when Chancellor Phil DiStefano might retire; the answer is “Never!”  In fact, DiStefano passed away over seven years ago, but the University administration continues to function under his guidance or, more accurately, the leadership of eight DiStefano look-alikes who are hauled out for public view. “Look,” said Provost Russell Moore, “the truth … Continue reading Phil Distefano Died in 2014 but the Chancellor Lingers On

An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field

Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance: BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to … Continue reading An Interview With the Scary Tree Near Farrand Field

Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

When Steven Spielberg was hired to direct the remake of West Side Story, he insisted on bringing the movie up to date.  He felt that, in post-racist 2021 America, the plot of a white gang vs. a Puerto Rican gang in 1950s NYC would no longer capture audience interest.  So, to make it relevant, he insisted that writers focus on the rivalry between Pfizer and … Continue reading Sneak Preview of 2021 West Side Story Remake:Pfizer Jets vs. Moderna Sharks

CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents. Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another … Continue reading CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

In a controversial move, the CU Boulder administration chose to further isolate engineering students by forcing them all to live in the auxiliary dorms, known as Will Vill. Engineering students are currently only somewhat isolated on campus—with their own classes, and in the case of that scary place known as Andrews, their own dorms. Now, pursuant to Mark Kennedy’s beyond-the-presidency master plan, engineering students will … Continue reading CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers