Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

Mark Kennedy raised some concerns early this week after he was spotted vehemently urging students to stay inside on campus and in surrounding neighborhoods. His concerns, apparently, were not about the Coronavirus, but rather an email that was sent out to CU students earlier this month concerning a cyberattack.  Kennedy’s actions were initially confusing and hard to decipher. Students interviewed by Earth Muffins after the … Continue reading Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

Faculty, staff shocked as control shifts overnight In a covert operation, the Bruce D. Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization annexed the entirety of East Campus last night. Days after the announcement of a new fascist in residence at CU, operatives raided the Sustainability, Energy and Environment Community (SEEC) complex in East Campus and established a base of operations there under the cover … Continue reading BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

The administration at CU Boulder, our benevolent rulers, are so kind and giving for giving us a single day off for mental health. Some students have not been grateful during this bountiful time of rest, however. It seems that certain students are spending this day studying! This is truly disrespectful to our great administration; Mark Kennedy and Phil DiStefano have only given to the community … Continue reading CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

Following a series of leaked screen-grabs of dark, intensely sexual, and often cannibalism-themed text messages sent by Armie Hammer, the Call Me by Your Name actor has officially come out as a cannibal. A statement released by Hammer on Twitter said the following:  “I am a cannibal. I want to eat people. I’m ready to be myself, and I won’t apologize for that. In America … Continue reading A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

The University of Colorado regents have a creative solution for COVID-19 budget woes. On Tuesday, the Regents passed a resolution establishing a new tiered tuition model, with various benefits for higher-paying customers students. CU Regent Jack Kroll, D-Denver, thinks that the new plan will really excite “the young people on campus.” In an exclusive interview with Earth Muffins, Kroll shared the details and intent behind … Continue reading CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

Benson Center Seeks First Fascist in Residence

Professor Daniel Jacobson, Director of the Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization announced today that the Center is seeking nominees for its first “Fascist in Residence.”  Jacobson noted that “The Benson Center’s mission is to increase intellectual and political diversity at CU, and to defend academic freedom and freedom of speech when both are under increasing attack. As one part of that mission, … Continue reading Benson Center Seeks First Fascist in Residence

TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S

Photos of the 2017 Donald Trump inauguration and the 2021 Joe Biden inauguration prove conclusively that thousands more people attended the former than the latter.   Stepping out of the shadows for the first time in years, Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary said he felt vindicated by the photographs.  Four years ago, in his first press conference, Spicer accused the press of trying “to … Continue reading TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S

Report: Andy Reid’s Mask is Full of “Tasty Little Treats”

Following their AFC Championship win, Earth Muffins was able to secure an exclusive interview with Kansas City Head Coach Andy Reid. “Andy. Mr. Reid. Big Chief. How do you do it? You’re hot off a Super Bowl win last year, and it’s looking like you may just do it two years in a row. What’s your secret?” “Well, the team is great, our secondary defense … Continue reading Report: Andy Reid’s Mask is Full of “Tasty Little Treats”

Little Known Facts About CU-Boulder

The University of Colorado at Boulder was the first higher education institution in the United States to be named after a rock.  Established in 1876, the Boulder campus beat out both Flora Stone Mather College (1888) and Slippery Rock University (1889).  It was founded almost one hundred years before Stony Brook University and Simon’s Rock College. Phil Di Stefano and Russell Moore were named baldest … Continue reading Little Known Facts About CU-Boulder

Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Disney XD, a more mature version of the Disney Channel marketed towards children ages 6-15, has sued Nickelodeon after an NFL broadcast in which a player dropped the F-bomb, uncensored. The lawsuit reportedly came after parents who watched the game with their children reported new and unusual uses of the “Fuck” word by the children after the on-air slip-up. “This broadcast clearly encroaches on the … Continue reading Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game