CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

The administration at CU Boulder, our benevolent rulers, are so kind and giving for giving us a single day off for mental health. Some students have not been grateful during this bountiful time of rest, however. It seems that certain students are spending this day studying! This is truly disrespectful to our great administration; Mark Kennedy and Phil DiStefano have only given to the community … Continue reading CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

Following a series of leaked screen-grabs of dark, intensely sexual, and often cannibalism-themed text messages sent by Armie Hammer, the Call Me by Your Name actor has officially come out as a cannibal. A statement released by Hammer on Twitter said the following:  “I am a cannibal. I want to eat people. I’m ready to be myself, and I won’t apologize for that. In America … Continue reading A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

The University of Colorado regents have a creative solution for COVID-19 budget woes. On Tuesday, the Regents passed a resolution establishing a new tiered tuition model, with various benefits for higher-paying customers students. CU Regent Jack Kroll, D-Denver, thinks that the new plan will really excite “the young people on campus.” In an exclusive interview with Earth Muffins, Kroll shared the details and intent behind … Continue reading CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

Benson Center Seeks First Fascist in Residence

Professor Daniel Jacobson, Director of the Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization announced today that the Center is seeking nominees for its first “Fascist in Residence.”  Jacobson noted that “The Benson Center’s mission is to increase intellectual and political diversity at CU, and to defend academic freedom and freedom of speech when both are under increasing attack. As one part of that mission, … Continue reading Benson Center Seeks First Fascist in Residence

TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S

Photos of the 2017 Donald Trump inauguration and the 2021 Joe Biden inauguration prove conclusively that thousands more people attended the former than the latter.   Stepping out of the shadows for the first time in years, Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary said he felt vindicated by the photographs.  Four years ago, in his first press conference, Spicer accused the press of trying “to … Continue reading TRUMP’S INAUGURATION CROWD MUCH LARGER THAN BIDEN’S

Report: Andy Reid’s Mask is Full of “Tasty Little Treats”

Following their AFC Championship win, Earth Muffins was able to secure an exclusive interview with Kansas City Head Coach Andy Reid. “Andy. Mr. Reid. Big Chief. How do you do it? You’re hot off a Super Bowl win last year, and it’s looking like you may just do it two years in a row. What’s your secret?” “Well, the team is great, our secondary defense … Continue reading Report: Andy Reid’s Mask is Full of “Tasty Little Treats”

Little Known Facts About CU-Boulder

The University of Colorado at Boulder was the first higher education institution in the United States to be named after a rock.  Established in 1876, the Boulder campus beat out both Flora Stone Mather College (1888) and Slippery Rock University (1889).  It was founded almost one hundred years before Stony Brook University and Simon’s Rock College. Phil Di Stefano and Russell Moore were named baldest … Continue reading Little Known Facts About CU-Boulder

Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Disney XD, a more mature version of the Disney Channel marketed towards children ages 6-15, has sued Nickelodeon after an NFL broadcast in which a player dropped the F-bomb, uncensored. The lawsuit reportedly came after parents who watched the game with their children reported new and unusual uses of the “Fuck” word by the children after the on-air slip-up. “This broadcast clearly encroaches on the … Continue reading Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

The riot in D.C. last Wednesday left the nation confused and angry after the Capitol Building was breached for the first time since the war of 1812. Not only was the baby-gloved treatment of the MAGA mob a stark contrast and blatant double standard to the handling of peaceful BLM protests in D.C. and across the country last year, security was so lax that many … Continue reading Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

Job Posting: Isolation Hall Director for Spring 2021

Job Summary The University of Colorado and our Residential Life team encourage applications for an Isolation Hall Director. The hall is the assigned living space for CU students who have tested positive or show symptoms of the coronavirus and the designated holding area for those who have died of COVID-19.  Please Note:  Male mechanical engineering majors are excluded from the isolation hall since they already … Continue reading Job Posting: Isolation Hall Director for Spring 2021