I have moldy bread in my pantry. Loads of it actually, loads of loaves of pink, grey, fuzzy rock hard mold bread that I just seem to get more of every day because I am special like that. I can’t help that the rabbits love my rocking chair, either. They’ve earned it, they’ve marked it, and there’s probably like two or three pregnant rabbits thanks … Continue reading I Got the Vaccine, Now What?
The tides have turned away from you, O Chief, emblem of our home! Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece, go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, Sucker and Fucker, rapacious Vanilla King! Are you off to … Continue reading Ode to Mark
Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan. “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs. Did you really think I wanted another kid when I was 60 years old? … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco
Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad. “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone with the professor and the other weirdos who show up … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad
Mark Kennedy sent out a notice to the CU students and staff this afternoon regarding the “white boy summer” trend started by Chet Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), apparently endorsing the trend and implementing the rules. You can read the full statement here: Hello students and members of the Boulder Community. I come to you after some deep consideration with a very important announcement for … Continue reading Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus
In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state. History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain death, he recanted. “Didst thou not see the smiley face … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense
CU’s more than 4,000 international students are vital contributors to the university’s bottom line. In the April 2021 President’s Newsletter, Mark Kennedy outlined the benefits that international students bring to the four campuses of the University of Colorado. Earth Muffins’ investigative reporter Boe Jiden has obtained an early draft of President Kennedy’s statement, where his editors pointed out a few problematic turns of phrase. Here it … Continue reading President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students
Yo(Open up, man) What do you want, man?(They just caught me) You let them catch you?(I don’t know how I let this happen) With who?(That 17-year-old, you know) Man(I don’t know what to do) Say it wasn’t you(Alright) Bill Barr came in and caught me red-handedCreeping with young girls and whores.Pictures of naked women I’m showing To my colleagues on the Congress floor.How could I forget … Continue reading MATT GAETZ – IT WASN’T ME
BOULDER, CO- Researchers at the CU Boulder’s Cech Laboratory have recently announced that they have developed a groundbreaking new vaccine for Covid-19, all of its variants, and celibacy. Buried deep in the “Cu Boulder Today” newsletter, the announcement came as the culmination of hard work containing cumming and cunning calculations. “This shit is revolutionary!” exclaimed lead scientist Kraus Cockroach. “Ah metamorphosis, may it be the … Continue reading Researchers At CU Boulder Unveil New Vaccine Requiring One Dose Of Suck, One Dose Of Fuck
1. Get Organized. Between the collapse of society, Kraus the kind cockroach that lives under my bed, and wanting to hit a reverse twist dive off the Flatirons, life can seem pretty overwhelming. A good first step is to set your records straight, maybe by making a colored calendar or sacrificing a lamb to The Dark Lord. 2. Do one thing at a time. I … Continue reading Crumbling? In Despair? Feeling Worthless? Here Are 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Shit Together
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