Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Disney XD, a more mature version of the Disney Channel marketed towards children ages 6-15, has sued Nickelodeon after an NFL broadcast in which a player dropped the F-bomb, uncensored. The lawsuit reportedly came after parents who watched the game with their children reported new and unusual uses of the “Fuck” word by the children after the on-air slip-up. “This broadcast clearly encroaches on the … Continue reading Disney XD Sues Nickelodeon After Airing of F-Bomb During NFL Game

Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

The riot in D.C. last Wednesday left the nation confused and angry after the Capitol Building was breached for the first time since the war of 1812. Not only was the baby-gloved treatment of the MAGA mob a stark contrast and blatant double standard to the handling of peaceful BLM protests in D.C. and across the country last year, security was so lax that many … Continue reading Five Places in Boulder That Are (Apparently) Harder to Get Into Than the U.S. Capitol

Job Posting: Isolation Hall Director for Spring 2021

Job Summary The University of Colorado and our Residential Life team encourage applications for an Isolation Hall Director. The hall is the assigned living space for CU students who have tested positive or show symptoms of the coronavirus and the designated holding area for those who have died of COVID-19.  Please Note:  Male mechanical engineering majors are excluded from the isolation hall since they already … Continue reading Job Posting: Isolation Hall Director for Spring 2021

Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

The morning of November 7th, Earth Muffins journalist Boe Jiden received an email from his grandmother with the subject line “Dems Stole the Election with Witchcraft!!!1”. Generally, Boe would dismiss such an email out of hand, but the subject line was ridiculous enough to intrigue him.  Upon reading the email, Mr. Jiden was enlightened as to the various ways that Democrats are using dark magics … Continue reading Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

Engineering Students Discover CU is Co-Ed

The new engineering bridge  has not only led to an expansion of the already beautiful campus, but also an astonishing discovery for CU’s Mechanical engineering students. As of last week, Mechanical Engineering students discovered something they had no idea existed on the premises: a female. We asked the first Engineering student Richard “Cheeto Fingers” Fredricks his reaction to seeing a female for the first time.  … Continue reading Engineering Students Discover CU is Co-Ed

CU Boulder Announces Shift to Imaginary Instruction

Effective today, CU will shift its instruction modality to a new “imaginary” mode. This new mode, chosen in collaboration with Boulder County Public Health, is supposed to support students as they cope with burnout and stress from a seemingly endless fall semester. “Navigating this past year has been difficult,” shared Illa Ju, a representative of the Chancellor, “but we truly believe this shift will best … Continue reading CU Boulder Announces Shift to Imaginary Instruction

US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

Early on Monday morning, the NFL announced a new addition to the Thanksgiving football schedule — an extra game deemed the “America Bowl”. According to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell in the press release for the additional game, the America Bowl is meant to decide the winner of the 2020 election:  “Our country today stands divided between two men who both claim victory and the right … Continue reading US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

Donald Trump Jr. Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Several news sources reported today that Donald Trump, Jr. tested positive for coronavirus earlier this week.  Since that time, the President’s son has been isolating in his cabin.  Reports indicate that, to this point, Trump Jr. has been asymptomatic.  Politicians on both sides of the aisle were quick to send their thoughts and prayers as were numerous journalists and correspondents. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer: … Continue reading Donald Trump Jr. Tests Positive for Coronavirus

CU-Boulder Cannabis Research Keeps on Rolling

For several years, unbeknownst to most of the campus community, CU-Boulder has been a major center of cannabis research in the United States.  No, we’re not talking about the weekly editorial staff meetings at Earth Muffins.  The Center for Health and Addiction: Neuroscience, Genes, and Environment (the CU CHANGE Lab) has been studying the effects of cannabinoids on human beings.  The research team is led … Continue reading CU-Boulder Cannabis Research Keeps on Rolling

New Proctorio Function Allows Program to End Your Miserable, Dishonest Life

If you’re like most students, you’re measly, weak, and often lathered in unscrupulous ooze, using deception, rather than your brain, to try to make gains in a stupid, slowly buring world. Dripping with lies, your worth to society is no more than how much money your parents are making right now- or, wait- did they lie on the FAFSA? Ah, I see, you were born … Continue reading New Proctorio Function Allows Program to End Your Miserable, Dishonest Life