Resources for the Boulder Community

To the Boulder community: Now is not the time for comedy. While it’s not our place to discuss the tragedy that occurred yesterday, we want to use our platform to share some resources to help the families of the victims and the Boulder community at large. Here’s a piece that compiles the stories of the victims. Please focus on the victims and their families and … Continue reading Resources for the Boulder Community

Opinion: Hill Party Was Actually a Celebration of International Women’s Day

In honor of International Women’s Day this Monday, Earth Muffins would like to share this touching opinion piece sent in by an anonymous member of one of CU’s very own fraternities. Hey bros, hope you all had an amazing International Women’s Day! I know I did. Many of you probably heard about that huge party that happened on the Hill over the weekend, but you … Continue reading Opinion: Hill Party Was Actually a Celebration of International Women’s Day

Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

I’m writing to you from the future. Mark my words: Phil DiStefano’s wellness days saved my life. It’s May 4th, the last day of the Spring 2021 semester. I’ve been taking classes for 15 straight weeks. I’ve gone through 73 consecutive days of class, save for two sweet, sweet wellness days. And those two days were the only thing that kept me going. Reflecting over … Continue reading Daddy Phil’s Two Wellness Wednesdays Saved My Life

CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

COVID-19 monitoring testing is up and running as students returned to campus this spring semester. And for Joshua “Donut” Jacobson, that has meant a weekly twenty minute episode of freezing spit-covered hands next to Kitt Pond. Earth Muffins secured an exclusive interview with Donut to discuss the challenges surrounding COVID-19 monitoring tests on campus. Donut: You know, before we get started, I just want to … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

Over the weekend of President’s Day, the Biden family took a vacation to Camp David, where they enjoyed quality family time together and, more importantly, had an old-school Mario Kart showdown. As reported by numerous publications, who were evidently having record-breakingly slow news days, Joe’s granddaughter Naomi posted a video of the two of them engaged in sweet, rubbery, kart-kombat. When asked to comment on … Continue reading Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

Mark Kennedy raised some concerns early this week after he was spotted vehemently urging students to stay inside on campus and in surrounding neighborhoods. His concerns, apparently, were not about the Coronavirus, but rather an email that was sent out to CU students earlier this month concerning a cyberattack.  Kennedy’s actions were initially confusing and hard to decipher. Students interviewed by Earth Muffins after the … Continue reading Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

Faculty, staff shocked as control shifts overnight In a covert operation, the Bruce D. Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization annexed the entirety of East Campus last night. Days after the announcement of a new fascist in residence at CU, operatives raided the Sustainability, Energy and Environment Community (SEEC) complex in East Campus and established a base of operations there under the cover … Continue reading BREAKING: Center for Western Civilization Annexes East Campus

CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

The administration at CU Boulder, our benevolent rulers, are so kind and giving for giving us a single day off for mental health. Some students have not been grateful during this bountiful time of rest, however. It seems that certain students are spending this day studying! This is truly disrespectful to our great administration; Mark Kennedy and Phil DiStefano have only given to the community … Continue reading CU Student Spends Mental Health Day Studying Against Order of School

A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

Following a series of leaked screen-grabs of dark, intensely sexual, and often cannibalism-themed text messages sent by Armie Hammer, the Call Me by Your Name actor has officially come out as a cannibal. A statement released by Hammer on Twitter said the following:  “I am a cannibal. I want to eat people. I’m ready to be myself, and I won’t apologize for that. In America … Continue reading A Big Win for Inclusivity: Armie Hammer Officially Comes Out as a Cannibal

CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model

The University of Colorado regents have a creative solution for COVID-19 budget woes. On Tuesday, the Regents passed a resolution establishing a new tiered tuition model, with various benefits for higher-paying customers students. CU Regent Jack Kroll, D-Denver, thinks that the new plan will really excite “the young people on campus.” In an exclusive interview with Earth Muffins, Kroll shared the details and intent behind … Continue reading CU Regents Announce New Pay to Win Tuition Model