Treants Return to Boulder Amidst Continuing Coronavirus Lockdown

The sudden and shockingly fast spread of COVID-19 across the planet has thrust the world into an uncertain and frightening state of lockdown. Death is sweeping through the lands of the earth as nature entersits season of rebirth. Under normal circumstances, flowers sprouting from beneath frost and sunlight on our faces would be auspicious foretellings of easy times and warm summers to come, but these … Continue reading Treants Return to Boulder Amidst Continuing Coronavirus Lockdown

New Zoom Update Filters Out Existential Crises

Zoom just announced today that their newest update will filter out anything on camera that indicates an existential crisis. This is great news for students and business people around the country, who are not only having a crisis outside their homes, but also inside their minds. Developers at Zoom know that online learning is extremely difficult to transition to, and although they may not care … Continue reading New Zoom Update Filters Out Existential Crises

Farrand Menu Change Spawns Ecological Concerns

Perhaps you’ve noticed, if you’re a student or resident of larger Boulder, a sense of malaise that hangs in the air every Thursday, starting just before noon. It’s not just you — the vibe is just a little off. Thanks to a decision made by CU Dining Services, one of the most important groups in the city’s ecosystem has been disturbed: the skaters. This semester, … Continue reading Farrand Menu Change Spawns Ecological Concerns

Ralphie VI Drafted as New Colorado Running Back

This Saturday it was announced that in addition to running the field at half time, the newest Ralphie, Ralphie VI, has been drafted as the first-string running back for the Colorado Buffaloes. In true Air Bud fashion, new buffs head coach Karl Dorrell says the draft was possible due to a loophole in the rules. “There’s no rule explicitly stating that a Buffalo can’t be … Continue reading Ralphie VI Drafted as New Colorado Running Back

US News and World Report Ranks CSU as Worst School in the Universe.

In a report released Monday February 10th, US News and World Report officially ranked CSU as the worst school of all time in the entire universe. Generally, US News ranks the best colleges, and ignores any school that ranks below #400, however, the author of this report felt it was high time that USNWR recognized both sides of the spectrum. Several factors contributed to CSU’s … Continue reading US News and World Report Ranks CSU as Worst School in the Universe.

CU Opens Pre-Clown Track

Career Services is proud to announce its latest pre professional track: Pre Clown! The Pre Clown program is designed to facilitate admission to the nation’s finest clown colleges by offering all the resources, advising, and networking opportunities possible. “The origins of clowns are ancient, and we understand the historically difficult path of becoming one. We can offer specialists that can help in all parts of … Continue reading CU Opens Pre-Clown Track

Breakthroughs in Cancer: Teen to Cure Cancer Learns to Use a Pipet

Earlier today a major breakthrough in cancer research was made in the dank 2nd basement of Porter Biosciences. Becca, one of CU’s bright eyed and bushy tailed freshman learned how to use a pipet in her introductory biology course. “I’ve just like been interested in curing cancer my entire life because I want to like help people…oh and I’m also a cancer sign!” Properly operating … Continue reading Breakthroughs in Cancer: Teen to Cure Cancer Learns to Use a Pipet

A List of People That Would Make a Better President Than Mark Kennedy

Faculty and students alike were outraged by the selection of Mark Kennedy to succeed Bruce Benson as President of CU. Critics claim his experience is inadequate and his voting record as a congressman is contrary to the values of the University. To the additional displeasure of university affiliates, the regents selected Mark Kennedy as their only finalist for the position, undermining the final vote. The … Continue reading A List of People That Would Make a Better President Than Mark Kennedy